I am officially 28 days away from my 31st birthday and I must say that the first 365 days of my 3rd decade here on this planet have been nothing short of unnerving but utterly spectacular. If someone would have told my 25 year old self I would be where I am now I would have cursed them out and spat at them. This is not to say that its been bad; it just hasn't been what I expected. I think we always have really huge fantastical dreams about the life beyond when we are in our 20s, footloose and fancy free and downright naive... idiotic even. We concoct these mental images that fall in line with one of two things:
Número Um:
~The ever ubiquitous and dangerously foolish American dream~
I've said it once and I'll say it again... buy into that shit if you want to; misery will have you as it bitch. The likelihood of having the Blair Underwood look alike husband, the 2.5 kids, the brick colonial (and summer home on some picturesque coastline), the BMW (and the Range Rover because the kids cant possibly ride in the M5), and job where you feel like you're appreciated (and it shows in your paycheck and benefits package) is slim to none unless you are an obscure barely noticeable cast member of the ever boring "St. Elmo's Fire" (remind me again why this movie is considered a classic) because that shit rarely happens in real life for the everyday person. Marriage is akin to a unicorn- maybe it existed before the Great Deluge or the Great Schism... the great something, but its pretty hard to come by now. This is not to say its out of the question; its just a question that begs to be asked at the moment. And as for kids. I love'em. I even want a few but as time goes on my biological clock doesnt tick louder; to the contrary its something I have to sit still and focus to listen for from time to time just to remind myself that I am still a woman of childbearing age. I still have visions of two little chubby cheeked twin girls dancing in my head on occasion but relocating to Brasil when I turn 45 is a much more prevalent fantasy. As for the house, unlike most Americans, a house for me doesnt represent financial security. It represents 30 years of trapped. I have house hunted on occasion and have even got to the financial part of it all only to go to sleep one fortuitous night and dream of being tethered to a rock that is sinking. I would say that it is my mild psychic ability that kicked in and it was probably a warning of the then impending housing crisis... but I'll just stick with it being my fear of commitment. As for the BMW- I own it, drive it, pay the car note and insurance on it- its not all its cracked up to be. With state troopers every 5 to 10 miles on the highway, Delores cant open up and set the road on fire like she is designed to. Maybe I should move to Germany or Montana? And the biggie- that dream career! I dont have it yet. Im still waiting for Anthony Bourdain to do a cohost search, lay eyes on me and know its instant kismet. That or just mysteriously leave the show so that I can step into what is rightfully mine. I like being an attorney; key word here is 'like'. I like it enough to keep doing it until God sends me off to do other things that hopefully involve global cuisine, travel, writing, and copious amounts of sarcasm.
As you can see I am not deluded by the American dream. Its flawed.
Número Dois:
~The 'I Can Do Anything' Myth~
Let me be perfectly clear on this one. You can do anything,... you can do the hell out of anything like its a cheap hard up for money prostitution whore (in my RHoNJ Teresa Guidice voice), but just make sure anything accomplishes 3 purposes:
- it truly makes you happy
- it adds to the Grand Design
- and it helps out your fellow man along the way
Most times when people proclaim that they can do anything, its not to satisfy the above requisites. It is because they really dont want to do anything at all or dont want to take on the responsibility to decide just what that anything will be. It provides us with an excuse to be flighty and flaky. It allows you to avoid intention and allows you to go through life without a vision. Without a vision, you're bear meat in the wilderness of life, my friend. We foolishly believe that leaving "anything's" true identity to the hands of fate will allows us freedom to dream big and dream wild, and for a 19 year old thats ok. For a 21 year old its still somewhat ok. At 25 it raises concern. At 30 its time to lay back on a sofa and let a professional mind-fuck you until you get to the root of your dysfunction. At 30 the likelihood of you being the featured chick in a rap video grinding with Pitbull is slim to none. The probability that you will quit your salaried job to go and paint romanticized self portraits at a monastery in heart of the happiness in the happiest country in the world (Denmark according to Forbes) is not that high. The chances that you will sell towels on a beach just to feed yourself while writing a memoir of your mundane and relatively uneventful life are nonexistent, barring you suffer an existential crisis. Even then I would suggest a trip to sofa in swank office before you go in search of. Everyone cant 'Eat, Pray, Love' their way through their crises. The overall problem with this mindset is that it allows for people to be lazy. Dont get me wrong. I LOVE dreaming about doing any and everything and sometimes those dreams come true and other times I know better. As excited as I might get just thinking about it, Blair Underwood is not going to move me into his pool house to be his live in kept mistress and furthermore this isnt my identified 'anything'... believe it or not. For me my anythings are well oiled gears that work together to form a very complexed yet purposeful me who fall in line with the three requirements up top. I cant say thats true for everyone.
Most people are still trying to be 21 even though they are 46. Thats neither cute nor comforting. Im not 46- just 31 and I have no desire to be my 21 year old self because now I know better.
Now that I am one full year removed from my tumultuous 20s, I can look back and see in myself what I just described. I still grapple with both of these outlooks on life from time to time. When I find myself coveting a cousin or a friend's version of the American Dream I have to reminds myself that in order for you to appreciate your dream you must've at some point experienced a nightmare to preserve the universal law of balance. When I get the urge to let my life blow in the winds I understand that sometimes things get caught in the breeze and blow away never to be seen again. Neither of these approaches suits a 30 something me. No. Im not trying to endure nightmares or get caught adrift. Im trying to live a life that fits those 3 requirements that I mentioned. Im aiming for happiness that comes from a place of utterly divine joy. I am striving to add to the Design; not to corrupt it. I am always, ALWAYS remembering that its not just about me (if you know me then you know its probably never about me); the face of God is found in the collective spirit of brotherhood. Its becoming apparent that doing one thing doesn't always satisfy all of these requirements. So I am constantly finding ways to be a whole person. I am a writer. I am an attorney. I am an activist. I am a connoisseur of great music and delightful food. I am a culture seeker, eager to eat Thai food while speaking Portuguese and listening to Merengue. I am a collector of books and eye catching trendy nail polish. I am a child of God who constantly seeks Him/Her in everything that I do. The list goes on and on. I am doing things that my shortsighted 20 something self could never imagine and would have never chosen for herself. Its scary and its exhilarating... its magic baby.
I often read astrology just to whimsically pass the time, and I read that Capricorn women get better with age. We come into our own and our horizons broaden. For us this is the fountain of youth; we age in reverse both physically and in our stringent approach to life. I dont give astrology much merit but I must say that as I get older I feel like life is just beginning. So here's to the next page in my book of 30s. Here's where the plot line thickens and the story gets so good you cant put the book down.
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