Acknowledging and Owning Up

Come out angels,
Come out ghosts,
Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I'm not running,
and I'm not scared,
I am waiting,
And well prepared.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there's nowhere to run

John Mayer "War of My Life Lyrics"

Today I sat down and I sent an email in which I politely declined to participate in something. I said no. Many times I claim that saying no isnt a big deal for me but as I drafted that email, the difficultly of expressing my no became palpable. My mind became congested with all of the possible repercussions of saying no. Would this person get mad? Would they understand? Would they even care? Well I cant answer any of that since I havent a replied but what I could answer is why I was suffering from the adverse reaction to saying no. No is a powerful word, so powerful that when you say it, its like declaring war. You'd better be able to back it up and stand firmly on it when you say it. For me that means asserting a certain amount of chutzpah that while I have it, I rarely use it. When I am powerful all eyes are on me, and Im not a spotlight girl. Im low key and steadfast, but something tells me that like my brain, remaining this way means I am only using 5% of my potential. After hitting the send key today, I thought about all of the times I had said no and stuck with it. I thought about all the times I dug deep down inside, pulled my shoulders back and square, lifted my chin, and let the spark of power unravel from the base of my spin and rise up. What did I feel? What caused it to spring forth? Who was I in that moment? I recalled adrenaline, focus, and a posture fit for a queen... a warrior queen. And maybe that's it... I have been playing lowly courtesan waiting to be directed when my truer calling is that of Hatsheput, Queen Pharaoh, born to lead. Maybe its time to own up? As easy as it is to play the in the background, its uncomfortable, like hiding a golden armor behind a raggedy cape; one brisk wind and the jig is up. For purposes of clarification, no this isnt my ego talking. She'd much rather do as little as possible, complain and take all the credit. Owning up is really hard ego bruising work. I've noticed for every gain there is a price, a loss, a sacrifice. Everyday is a day on another battlefield of some sort, and you have to remain vigilant. There is no place for egos in a time of war. And let's face it, if you are strategizing or visioning about something then you are in battle- such is life. Either you are a warrior, leading the fight, calling the shots or a soldier being lead, praying its to victory and not slaughter. Tis better to be the vigilant warrior. But I digress- a Sun Tzu moment. At some point we all have to own up to whatever is inside of us, and nurture it to ripe maturity. I carry a power that other's see and Im trying my hardest to see in myself. In an attempt to remain humble and quarantine the beast of pride, I may have done myself a greater disservice, wrestling with the angel that simply wants to bless me or rather call forth a blessing that has always been there. I have to tell myself, its okay to finish first, well ahead of the pack- dont doubt you know what you know. Its perfectly fine if you dissent, drawing your own conclusions- just because everyone is going that way, doesnt mean its right. Its just safe, or so it seems. Rolling with the herd can sometimes mean walking blindly off the side of a ravine or into a hunters snare. Running alone is a risk but most times, the reward is great. Walking with the group, usually wont get you noticed but when you've got it, you've got it. Im still figuring out just what it is I've got, but I know its something pretty special because I have recognized snippets of it in action. Magic springs forth from my fingertips, fire from my tongue, and thunder with each step I take... or at least in that moment it feels this way- like Oya owns my soul. Its there, I just need to acknowledge it, and own up to it. L. Simone Pharaoh Queen has a nice ring to it. Im ready for the fight...