Filling Up My Bucket...

There's a hole in my bucket Dear Liza...

Well fix it Dear Henry.

I have been tinkering with the somewhat cliche idea of drafting (and possibly redrafting numerous times thereafter) a bucket list- yes my very own map to a full motivated life. No I am not dying, at least not physically but emotionally and spiritually I kinda feel like Im on my last leg. Im bored and everyday I get 'bored-er' ( I know that isnt a word ) with this life predictable. I figure if I put my wish list of excitement on paper then maybe it will spur me to move my ass and live my life like I have nothing to lose- according to Steve Jobs, since we are born dying we dont have anything to lose. Its this mindset that has gotten him to where he is today, or so he says. Im not much of a list maker and to be honest this is because I dont know what I really want. Yes I said it. I dont know what I want. It changes from day to day, whim to whim. I am almost like a person suffering from a dissociative cognition. For all my predictability, one thing that isnt predictable is what I want. It changes so much and I guess that is as a result of me slowly peeling back the layers of who I thought I was and discovering who I really am. For every layer that is shed, I find that what I want isnt really what I want at all. Blame it on being a Capricorn and an oldest child- we aim to please even if it is not pleasing to us. So I figured that if I sat down and let ink flow to paper as the thoughts flowed to my mind I would be able to see the shattered pieces of me and put them together, possibly figuring out who I truly am before this 3rd decade of my life implodes, making way for year 40. So what is acceptable for a bucket list and what if item #10 conflicts with #25? Yes I am that much of a walking dichotomy. Is something as simple as wanting to decorate a wedding cake permissible and is something as phenomenal as wanting to scale a Mt Kilimanjaro possible? Is there a fine line between "CHALLENGE" and "chile please" or is that line just a byproduct of fear? I dont have the answers for any of this, and such seems to a be a recurring them of uncertainty in my most recent adult life, but I am willing to try... just to see what happens. If anything I will rewire my brain to think differently about challenges and difficulty, which according to Ranier Maria Rilke I should trust completely. I guess you are wondering what brought this on? No it wasnt the movie. That would be too easy. Honestly I took a hard look around me and its all too safe. None of it touches that part of me that makes me cry for no reason at all. Yes I want to wake up crying for no reason other than I have spent another moment, another day figuring out what really makes me happy. Happiness makes you cry, you know? It makes you want to do whatever it takes to hold on it. So I gotta do this bucket list to see what it looks like first- gotta start the journey. This ought to be fun. I promise to post a few of the things from the list that I dare to do, and share how it affects me. And yes baking and decorating a speciality cake like on Food Network Challenge is on the list and so is sploshing around in the ocean in my birthday suit... stop laughing. Im serious. Stay tuned.