June Musings: An unintentional soliloquy on life, boxes, and other random shit...
I haven't been on this blog in a while primarily because I am have been nursing my whimsy on Tumblr. LeBreon.Simone. Something in me is drawn to pictures, sprinkled with musical offerings, as a means of expression lately.... well its always been there; its just that I have always given deference to my words. Anywho, I figured that today would be a good a day as any to spit some linguistic on this here site. I could write you a soliloquy about how life has been shaping out, but I can sum that up in three words: Mobile, struggling, and boring. Im still an attorney who's love for her professional is often ephemeral at best. Im still figuring out what makes me happy, pushing myself into places I assumed I never belonged, and finding that most times I dont. However I am still gravitating away from those things that bring me that desolate feeling of sadness or unworthiness. I've left worlds behind in this nomadic quest, only taking what I want to. You know life lived that way is how I think God intended. Take whats right and leave the rest behind for it may be right for someone else. Ok this is clearly more than 3 descriptive words. I will say this much, given the time to be introspective of my life, I can clearly see where the cypher has come full circle and what lessons I missed in the rhythm and rhymes are now playing again like a repetitive chorus. My lesson for now is yet again patience and humility, or as God so handsomely put it "Be still and know". Everyday is a test of faith and belief. Its so much easier to say its fate or luck than it is to believe. Believing requires rationalization be thrown to the wind. But yet still I believe even when I dont want to. Im also dealing with a great deal of repression issues. This became apparent recently via a dream about having a mouth full of saw dust that I could only get rid of when I started to write my truly feelings. I have to be honest, despite my tendency to leave the sugarcoating for candy, I am a passive aggressive. Im learning not to be. The few friends I do have are probably happy about this because that means that they no longer have to hear me whine about things I have done very little to change or address. However in addressing things head on, I have won over approximately 2 new friends this year; everyone else keeps a reasonable distance for fear I will smell the shit on their breath. I will admit I am in a very precarious spot in my life- the need to be me is undoing a lot of what has been done and its making people in my life terribly uncomfortable. Im slightly "unreadable" at the moment, so its hard to make me be what you want me to be. Its good for me because it gives me room to explore me, like I discovered that I hate most gospel music. For most of my life I have been unable to say that because its a cardinal sin in the black community to not like gospel music. Dont get me wrong I love music and I love The Gospel according to whomever is giving his account of the life and times of Jesus Christ, but listening to people scream and holler feel good chants or skewed bible verses is not what's up. I mentioned that to a friend recently and you would have thought I said there was no God. I just dont like 98.9% gospel music- end of story. A non religious example: I hate being in an office. Lets face it offices are designed to allow for micromanagement in most cases. My philosophy is that if we are bouncing ideas off of one another in an attempt to inspire and elevate consciousness, we are probably gossiping about one another, one second away from being fired. I try to avoid offices unless the former is happening in full bloom. I have taken a left turn too many with the examples... lets get back on course. Im trying to pick up on those lessons yet to be mastered so that my life will stop playing out like Groundhog's Day 2011 and my writing will not sound repetitive- it is repetitive. I sat down to write a piece about white patriarchal domination in the south known fondly as "the good ole boy system" but I have whined about that on numerous occasions. It shows no sign of letting up nor of letting me be. Why write about it... that supports my passive aggression. I will still show up in a room of white men who assume that my job is to be an overeducated paralegal or a take anything kind of attorney and I will smile and play the game for the sake of pleasantries. Nothing about this situation changes... until I change. I also tinkered with the idea of writing about my family- the highs but mostly the lows- and decided to not write about that also. Its a matter of perspective with this one. I could continue to whine about what I would like for them to do but 31 years into this, I should know better. I love them regardless of their shortcomings, and no I dont have the heart nor the true desire to become estranged because in the end I am 50% of the wedge that would push us apart. I cant become estranged from myself. Again I can only change myself. And that brings me back to the point of this rambling- I am learning what's good and true about me and what could use some adjustment; what lies could be undone. I think I have been complicit in my discontent and Im trying to fix it. I could die tomorrow and I would like to at least say that I tried to make my time here worth it, and by worth it I mean being happy so that I can encourage someone else to choose happiness. There will always be boxes for you to climb into... including your coffin. Its the time spent outside the boxes that matter, and isnt that what we all truly strive for? To be out of the box- original. One of a kind? If that is so then why do we willing climb into the boxes provided to us by others? Is it a fear of known one's true self that keeps us relying on fate instead of believing in ourselves? Really looping this back to the original intent of this piece, I can only speak for me when I say that's my hang up. I am ready to believe in myself for once; not what someone else presents to me as a representation of me. Yes. Convoluted statement I know but how often to we hit an imaginary glass ceiling based on what others tell us we can do? And what is the result of this limitation? For me impatience, rationalizing away the truth, and of course passive aggressiveness. Sigh... I feel so much better. I didnt intend for this to be what it was but it is what it is.
Other randomness:
Jill Scott's new CD is still a few leaps and bounds short of "Who is Jill Scott". Back to the drawing board Jill.
Sprint is giving away the new 3D Evo. Is it just me or do you too get the feeling that we are gearing up for holograms and a life not unlikely that depicted on Wall-E where mankind is doomed to be fat, confined to floating chairs, eating thru tubes, and hooked on "screens", TV, phone, computer, etc. Thanks but no thanks. I prefer a real book, fresh fruit and veggies grown in dirt I can get under my nails, the beauty of the fluid movement of the human body, and for my broadcasted images to remain 2D.
Charges have been dropped against Bin Laden, nolle prosequi- can I just go on record saying that Osama Bin Laden, at least the gobal terrorist that we know by way of video messaging and G Dubya Bush, is about as real as He-Man. Stop drinking the goddamn kool-aid.
I slept too hard on the 2008 release of Jamie Liddell's "Jim" CD. Im listening now and its just the right vibe for my summer... three years later.
Can I also say that Samuel L. Jackson is now the full embodiment of his character from "A Time to Kill"? "Go the Fuck to Sleep" though pure hilarity, is definitely Carl Lee Hailey. I kept waiting for him to say "Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell.... Now go the fuck to sleep!"
Why was Beyonce given almost 10 pages in this month's Essence mag to discuss her nonexistent break from the public eye and performing. This heifer hasnt gone anywhere. She and Rihanna are like self treated staph infections- they never go away for real and they always come back causing more pain than before. Case in point: "Girls Rule the World". Stop already.
I have been really on my feminist game lately. You never really notice how the femininity that makes this world go round is constantly under assault until you embrace the wholeness of your womanly being. Its power in the... well you already know.
I wonder how lithium tastes... guess we'll soon know.
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