From the Mind of Simone

Conversations- A reflection on collaborations

2011-07-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

"... in life we wont do it alone, because we cant, we're not supposed to..." -me biting John Mayer

Most of the week when my world finds those random moments of slowness or rams head first into those obstensible roadbloack known as 'I dont really care', I find myself multitasking to pass the time. Im usually found chatting on Google with my friend, business partner, and unbeknownst to her, cultural observationist, while surfing the web for provocative articles that highlight the ingenuity of human spirit and the many ways it leaps into action. Usually the conversation and the article scavenging go hand in hand, leading to debate like chats on issues that range anywhere from childhood obesity (that was yesterday and it was quite fascinating) to developing innovative but simple approaches to making life brighter... including healthy cooking (which by the way would serve as one key solution to the former issue). Most time we crack jokes that really do make us LOL, although I havent quite figured out how to LMAO. No matter the topic of discussion, its always a mind exercise that helps me better understand human behavior. I always leave the chats and article scaveneging thinking there are so many complexities to human nature, its hard to ever really know someone but at the same time it so very easy to draw conclusions based one what we do know. Now what I mean by that is in a world where 40+ years into our lifespan we are still trying to find our true selves its damn near inmpossible to figure someone else out. We take stabs at shadows hoping for a hit. As much as I love my friend, with each conversation, I learn something new about her, and in turn about myself. Most times this leads me to learn a lesson from one conversation and apply new altered principals in the next conversation. Yesterday I adapted to the philosophy of agreeing to disagree only to learn that we werent really disagreeing at all, just using different paths to get to the same conclusion. And that leads to the second part of my explanation - huamn beings are more alike than we are different. So one should be able to easily surmise what the outcomes will be. I knew before the conversation ended that basically we would arrive at the same point- childhood obsesity is bad and we need to take steps to fix it. But we were jocking for our positions to heard. I was screaming BETTER OVERALL POLICY and she was shouting REAL TIME SOLUTIONS... cant be successful if the two dont work together, right? At the end of the day all human beings want to be acknowledged and told that someone somewhere understand them. It may benefit us all to start conversations with an agreement to listen, hear, and try to understand one another. I think that would be a giant leap in human interaction and collaboration. Think about it for a second. Look at the current economic crisis. At the end of the day, all agree that something must be done about the debt, namely the debt ceiling must be raised or we will all be using recycled fecal matter for meat. Its in our human nature to want to avoid catastrophe and fecal filet mignon, but much like my friend and I, the Republicans and Democrats are jocking to have their position heard, acknowledged and understood... key word being "understood". For all intents and purposes, "understood' is interchangable with 'accepted'. When people understand one another, we feel as if we belong- sharing of that like mind. And dare I say if someone understands us, it removes a the onus of our need to understand ourselves. For example, if by some chance of fate Obama decided to go along with all of the Republican demands, they wont have to further explain and convince the American public of their ideological stance on government spending (which by all accounts is a hybrid, drug resistant strain of voodoo economics bolstered by Reaganomics patriotism). The commander in chief accepted it, so you must too. Its a battle of wills- my way or no way... BUT, its not the "way" that we should be honing in on... the way, should be fluid, just like people should be (hence give up that quest to find yourself and rather give yourself permission to learn yourself). We should be focused on the end game. I realise as I am typing this that the economic crisis may not be the best example to explain this dichotomy of human communication and human acceptance, but at the heart of it all it really is about just that... and of course a power struggle rooted in false ideology, racism, capitalism, enhanced class stratification, etc, etc, etc... The King and I... which by the way is another example of what I am talking about... if I give myself permission to first get to know you (getting to know you... getting to know all about you... getting to like you, hoping you like me too...) and in the learn more about myself- we build a bridge to better collaboration to reach that shared outcome. I know that this sounds a little idealistic but Ive seen it work time and time again, and I have seen what happens when we dont attempt to do this first. Back to my friend and I- the conversation shifted and there was a very powerful moment- for me at least- when I said, "Im not disagreeing with you at all"... There was a lingering pause and then we both signed off. For me in that moment, I was telling her "I accept, acknowledge, and understand what you are saying." Do I think that someone will step in this crisis and do that- they already have. President Obama, has been more flexible that Gumby- to a fault, of course, and even Senator McConnell, in his own little way tried to adapt this posturing. The King and I wouldnt be as endearing if King Mongkut and Mistress Leonowens hadnt agreed to accept one another for who they were within the confines of their own culture, using similarities to work together in a time of need. That human spirit that bears ingenious ideas also has the power to break down walls that keep us from moving forward together...

A beautiful example came from today's NYT: Out of Poverty Family Style

I have spent most of this blog rambling about myself and my journey to reach some fairytale destination in life. This entry will mark a shift in subject matter. One thing thaat I have found time and time again no matter what I was attempting to do, the art of collaboration has captivated me... my ability to collaborate with others, others collaborating together, the co mingling of ideas and subject matter in an attempt to collaborate... its an art form. Most of us think that we have it but we tend to have a very narrow view of it. Everyday we collaborate. I am collaborating right now with my keyboard, and Divine inspiration. I plan to take the rest of my tenure as a writer to highlight, emphasize, and encourage healthy collaboration as a way of being. Why because as a spirit in a material world, its one of the most powerful ways that I can remember and acknowledge a higher power in life. Something is trying to pull us together, and collaboration is a great avenue to get us there.

hello...goodbye

2011-06-23T15:07:00.001-07:00

gain a reader- lost a reader...

was it something I said?

Better question was it something you wanted me to say and didnt- if so, dont know what to tell you.

...and another existential crisis later...

2011-06-21T14:51:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those friends that makes you believe that wearing a sequined jacket to an 10:30am brunch is absolutely acceptable but only if you have on matching eyeshadow? How about that one friend that is a perfect 10 in every way imaginable to the point you hesitate being seen with her in public, but she is so genuinely beautiful on the inside that she reminds you that you are just as gorgeous? What about that friend who's altruism knows no bounds and seeps into your pores, making you want to be just as giving? I have those friends. Im a lucky girl. Even luckier when I think about the others who make up my small group of some kindas... to borrow from Dwele. These women are so awesome in so many ways that they make me want to tap into my some kinda, creative beautiful giving self. She's in there because we attract what we are right? In the push and pull of the day to day when I am pretending to be something I am clearly not, I tend to forget who I truly am. And just when I think Im totally lost, one of my awesome girls will send me text, a tweet, or a comment and remind me of just how awesome I am without even trying. They pull me back from the brink and remind me of just who God made me to be, and if you have been reading me for a while or know me then you know I am always on the brink and always suffering from an existential crisis of some sort- usually asking that ever ubiquitous query "what am I supposed to be doing with my life again?" Im supposed to be living it- thats what- exhibiting those God-given traits and qualities that my friends amplify. Can I just say that I love my friends...

why the hell not?! I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

Chucking the deuces to Frou Frou "Breath In".... no exhale. Feels pretty good.

June Musings: An unintentional soliloquy on life, boxes, and other random shit...

2011-06-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't been on this blog in a while primarily because I am have been nursing my whimsy on Tumblr. LeBreon.Simone. Something in me is drawn to pictures, sprinkled with musical offerings, as a means of expression lately.... well its always been there; its just that I have always given deference to my words. Anywho, I figured that today would be a good a day as any to spit some linguistic on this here site. I could write you a soliloquy about how life has been shaping out, but I can sum that up in three words: Mobile, struggling, and boring. Im still an attorney who's love for her professional is often ephemeral at best. Im still figuring out what makes me happy, pushing myself into places I assumed I never belonged, and finding that most times I dont. However I am still gravitating away from those things that bring me that desolate feeling of sadness or unworthiness. I've left worlds behind in this nomadic quest, only taking what I want to. You know life lived that way is how I think God intended. Take whats right and leave the rest behind for it may be right for someone else. Ok this is clearly more than 3 descriptive words. I will say this much, given the time to be introspective of my life, I can clearly see where the cypher has come full circle and what lessons I missed in the rhythm and rhymes are now playing again like a repetitive chorus. My lesson for now is yet again patience and humility, or as God so handsomely put it "Be still and know". Everyday is a test of faith and belief. Its so much easier to say its fate or luck than it is to believe. Believing requires rationalization be thrown to the wind. But yet still I believe even when I dont want to. Im also dealing with a great deal of repression issues. This became apparent recently via a dream about having a mouth full of saw dust that I could only get rid of when I started to write my truly feelings. I have to be honest, despite my tendency to leave the sugarcoating for candy, I am a passive aggressive. Im learning not to be. The few friends I do have are probably happy about this because that means that they no longer have to hear me whine about things I have done very little to change or address. However in addressing things head on, I have won over approximately 2 new friends this year; everyone else keeps a reasonable distance for fear I will smell the shit on their breath. I will admit I am in a very precarious spot in my life- the need to be me is undoing a lot of what has been done and its making people in my life terribly uncomfortable. Im slightly "unreadable" at the moment, so its hard to make me be what you want me to be. Its good for me because it gives me room to explore me, like I discovered that I hate most gospel music. For most of my life I have been unable to say that because its a cardinal sin in the black community to not like gospel music. Dont get me wrong I love music and I love The Gospel according to whomever is giving his account of the life and times of Jesus Christ, but listening to people scream and holler feel good chants or skewed bible verses is not what's up. I mentioned that to a friend recently and you would have thought I said there was no God. I just dont like 98.9% gospel music- end of story. A non religious example: I hate being in an office. Lets face it offices are designed to allow for micromanagement in most cases. My philosophy is that if we are bouncing ideas off of one another in an attempt to inspire and elevate consciousness, we are probably gossiping about one another, one second away from being fired. I try to avoid offices unless the former is happening in full bloom. I have taken a left turn too many with the examples... lets get back on course. Im trying to pick up on those lessons yet to be mastered so that my life will stop playing out like Groundhog's Day 2011 and my writing will not sound repetitive- it is repetitive. I sat down to write a piece about white patriarchal domination in the south known fondly as "the good ole boy system" but I have whined about that on numerous occasions. It shows no sign of letting up nor of letting me be. Why write about it... that supports my passive aggression. I will still show up in a room of white men who assume that my job is to be an overeducated paralegal or a take anything kind of attorney and I will smile and play the game for the sake of pleasantries. Nothing about this situation changes... until I change. I also tinkered with the idea of writing about my family- the highs but mostly the lows- and decided to not write about that also. Its a matter of perspective with this one. I could continue to whine about what I would like for them to do but 31 years into this, I should know better. I love them regardless of their shortcomings, and no I dont have the heart nor the true desire to become estranged because in the end I am 50% of the wedge that would push us apart. I cant become estranged from myself. Again I can only change myself. And that brings me back to the point of this rambling- I am learning what's good and true about me and what could use some adjustment; what lies could be undone. I think I have been complicit in my discontent and Im trying to fix it. I could die tomorrow and I would like to at least say that I tried to make my time here worth it, and by worth it I mean being happy so that I can encourage someone else to choose happiness. There will always be boxes for you to climb into... including your coffin. Its the time spent outside the boxes that matter, and isnt that what we all truly strive for? To be out of the box- original. One of a kind? If that is so then why do we willing climb into the boxes provided to us by others? Is it a fear of known one's true self that keeps us relying on fate instead of believing in ourselves? Really looping this back to the original intent of this piece, I can only speak for me when I say that's my hang up. I am ready to believe in myself for once; not what someone else presents to me as a representation of me. Yes. Convoluted statement I know but how often to we hit an imaginary glass ceiling based on what others tell us we can do? And what is the result of this limitation? For me impatience, rationalizing away the truth, and of course passive aggressiveness. Sigh... I feel so much better. I didnt intend for this to be what it was but it is what it is.

Other randomness:

Jill Scott's new CD is still a few leaps and bounds short of "Who is Jill Scott". Back to the drawing board Jill.

Sprint is giving away the new 3D Evo. Is it just me or do you too get the feeling that we are gearing up for holograms and a life not unlikely that depicted on Wall-E where mankind is doomed to be fat, confined to floating chairs, eating thru tubes, and hooked on "screens", TV, phone, computer, etc. Thanks but no thanks. I prefer a real book, fresh fruit and veggies grown in dirt I can get under my nails, the beauty of the fluid movement of the human body, and for my broadcasted images to remain 2D.

Charges have been dropped against Bin Laden, nolle prosequi- can I just go on record saying that Osama Bin Laden, at least the gobal terrorist that we know by way of video messaging and G Dubya Bush, is about as real as He-Man. Stop drinking the goddamn kool-aid.

I slept too hard on the 2008 release of Jamie Liddell's "Jim" CD. Im listening now and its just the right vibe for my summer... three years later.

Can I also say that Samuel L. Jackson is now the full embodiment of his character from "A Time to Kill"? "Go the Fuck to Sleep" though pure hilarity, is definitely Carl Lee Hailey. I kept waiting for him to say "Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell.... Now go the fuck to sleep!"

Why was Beyonce given almost 10 pages in this month's Essence mag to discuss her nonexistent break from the public eye and performing. This heifer hasnt gone anywhere. She and Rihanna are like self treated staph infections- they never go away for real and they always come back causing more pain than before. Case in point: "Girls Rule the World". Stop already.

I have been really on my feminist game lately. You never really notice how the femininity that makes this world go round is constantly under assault until you embrace the wholeness of your womanly being. Its power in the... well you already know.

I wonder how lithium tastes... guess we'll soon know.

Movies I am looking forward to:

Hole in the Head

Alice Walker Biopic

A tribe Called Quest Documentary

Signing off listen to my once an future baby daddy (yeah I went there) Martin Luther McCoy:

Kids, Family and What Not

2011-04-11T18:01:00.001-07:00

No I am not someone's assistant. I am a pretty accomplished hardworking mid level professional. I worked my ass off to get here... where ever in the fresh sparkling hell here may be...I have lived my entire life focused on my progression as a person. This never included a husband and kids. Just me, and now at 31 I am still focused on just me. This worries my mom shitless but I dont quite know how to explain to her that I will know when the time is right because it is all that I will have on my mind. Like right now all I have on my mind is being on my game professionally... in another state. I cant wrap my mind around anyone or anything slowing this focus down. God still wakes me at 3 in the morning, pouring ideas into my head. And I, single and childless, have the energy and the time to react to those ideas anywhere and anytime I please. At 31 looking like a mid to late 20 something I still feel as if time is on my side. I dont hear my biological clock ticking all that loudly- its pretty faint honestly. And there are days when I dont even know if I want to bring kids into this domicile of the damned and deranged but there are others when I do but I want to have things in place when I do. I want know for a fact that kids are my #1 priority. Right now I cant say that. I can say that the urge to be married to some fabulous polyglot, world traveling chef with dimples is heavily on the agenda but only if he understands that I am on a mission and I need him to be on my team. That and when I do decide I am at cruising altitude in my life, ready to start a family, that doesnt mean that the life we have goes out of the window. Strap baby in and keep it moving; kids can travel and learn new languages too. But thats the future. This is the present and right now its still just about me. I do believe that there is someone out there for everyone who wants to be loved and that when you're ready the scales will fall away from your emotional eyes and love will be staring right at you. I do want to be loved and give love in return but only when I can do it 100. I cant right now. I am still figuring out how to love me and do it 100. I suppose some out there will say that you will never reach that utopian plateau, that you just close your eyes and dive in. I not like everyone. I strongly adhere to everything in its own time, everything in its right place and with this its no different. The running joke in my family is that on my 40th birthday I will get married at some undisclosed location because I just woke up and decided thats what I wanted to do. I am pretty sure it will happen before my 40th birthday. I am thinking within a year or 2. But right now I am married to the idea of a better me and giving birth to my own personal joy. I fret not.

Pillars of Salt

2011-04-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

Like Lot's wife, we are tempted to take another look, attracted not by evil but by something that seems much more shameful -- our own innocence.”

-Pauline Kael

A few years ago I was told by a stranger that I would have to let go of the mediocre and be prepared to change all I know. He also said a bunch of other things but out of all of it that was the most important to me. That and the fact that he said I would never forget that conversation. Its been 3 years and I cant forget it. It keeps reappearing like God is jumping bodies getting different people to give me the same message in different ways. Today it was thru a pastor I didnt know who gently held my hand, and said keep moving forward even though it doesnt seem like hope is in sight.... and under no circumstances should you look back. I am like Lot's wife in this respect, plagued by what ifs, shoulda woulda couldas, and torturous fits of nostalgia. I have a horrible habit of looking back even when I know the crime scene is riddled with my flights of fantasy. How I saw things through my eyes; not as they truly were. An imagined wink and smile. Perceived kindness that never existed, or its extreme opposite. I never have a clear view of a past that I cant let go of and a past that wont let me go. I keep looking back for signs of life in a situation long dead. I scoot around Facebook looking at other people's life reconstructing encounters once shared; getting a temporary high off the dust of its decaying frame. I have a hard time moving forward in the here an now. Even when my here and now is bustling with goodness and opportunity, its not my "glorious" past; thus not as shiny as my needy soul desires it to be. There are times when I sift thru the mud of my past looking for fools gold upon which to build my life's fortune, thinking that I missed out on that one glimmer of hope. Truth is if I missed it, its probably long gone. Not meant to be mine. Even if it comes back around, the point is for me to stay looking ahead. Moving upstream for the next gold rush or even directly at my feet because that where our blessings often lie. Looking back does me no good in the long run. Its funny that this is message that I got today because I had been looking back on a certain situation thinking that there was something there that I had yet to discover. There wasnt. Just a reminder that it wasnt for me then and its not for me now. This isnt to say that it will never be for me but Im not meant to concern myself with the possibilities long coming; just the here an now.

This is a vast departure from one of my previous posts. In that thought I was lauding the idea of looking back and connecting the dots ala Steve Jobs. But... and yes there is a serious but... looking back and connecting the dots doesnt allow us to be present in the moment. God needs us to be present in this moment because when its gone, its gone forever and you are here in this moment for a reason. You need to know what it is. Lot's wife was so fixated with what once was that she was missing out on her here and now- God's mercy. I truly believe that right here right now I am faced with the same challenge. God is trying to take me somewhere that I cannot get to on my own, but (S)He is asking for me to let go of once was and embrace what is. Its not easy but I have to be obedient, lest I be frozen in time, a pillar of salt, looking back for all of eternity.

My Nephew

2011-03-20T12:46:00.001-07:00

This morning I awoke to find a Youtube video posted of my favorite butterball (2 months old and a whopping 20lbs), my nephew Ralphie. Ralphie is the first grandchild for my parents and though he has yet to make his royal excursion to Mobile, he manages to bring an immense amount of joy into our live via pictures, Skype, and of course Youtube. Now I guess that I am no different from any first time gushing aunt who thinks her nephew is the smartest, cutest, most enlightened kid on the planet (he is, by the way) but Baby Butterball without a doubt has to be one of the happiest kids on the planet. He has been smiling and giggling since day 1 and I can only surmise that his life is indicative of him being able to still tap into that inner divine Godly happiness that believe it or not still resides in all of us. He just hasnt been tainted by the world, and as his aunt I would love to say that I possess the super-power to form a protective happiness shield around him. I dont but I do possess the ability to smile and be happy right along with him. I can encourage him to see past the world's bitterness and recognize it for what it really is- a longing for love. I can encourage him to stand up to hate and spite and protect the sanctity of that very love that keeps him giggling more than a Tickle me Elmo. In that he will see others smile as well, reminding him of that Godly happiness that sadly I am certain at some point in his life he will lose track of. But for now, I live vicariously through him, envious of the warm that radiate from his smile and the felicity in his eyes... that bright glow of innocence that we all have been fighting to return to.

It Takes One to Know One: Why I Dislike Lawyers (...most anyway)

2011-03-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: for all of my friends who are great attorneys ( just a handful of fearless warriors) this one is not for you! You can stop raising your glasses now. I know you exist and the people you tirelessly serve know you exist. WE LIVE!!!

Talking to my mom today, somehow we drifted into a conversation about a bad experience she'd had with an attorney. She explained to me that this guy went out of his way to be rude and arrogant, in essence placing himself aloft a hierarchy of of his ego driven imagination. While listening to her talk, that other little meandering part of my brain started to rattle numb synapses and draw connections between my mom's experience and other horror stories I had heard over time about similarly foolish attorneys. I even began to dig into the dirt of my own history and I thought of all of the horrid encounters I had too had with attorneys who thought more of themselves than the universe would ever allow them to be. The countless speeches about "us", the attorney and "them", the poor ignorant client had made my lip curl in disgust time and time again. Watching an odd freakish looking attorney tell his client to (and I quote) "shut the hell up you have done enough damage already" in a court room full of people, had curdled my blood into a lumpy whey of sour aggravation. The nail that sealed the wooden coffin of disdain simply had to be attorneys who did just enough to line their pockets. Nevermind the clients; its apparent they are simply footstools for our judicial thrones. Firing in full out battle, my brain had signed sealed and deliver the message that has been long coming since 2002- I hate attorneys. Now I feel well qualified to make this statement being that I am an attorney by training. I have however spent the majority of my six years as an attorney doing what I do best, listening and observing, first in an attempt to learn what it meant to be a good people serving attorney (contrary to any statement made here, they do exist... somewhere) and then in out of sheer curiosity. I just couldnt believe that 3 years of schooling and "socialization" could take a well meaning being an turn them into utter assholes. Now not all attorneys are assholes. There are some great attorneys who remember that they arent some superhuman being sent from an ABA approved Mt. Olympus to jerk around and summarily save mankind from himself. They somehow managed to hold on to a vestiges of their humanity and they recognize we are in existence to serve the people. But existence for this rare form of selfless attorney is downright hard. We have to hide out like Pygmy's in a rainforest surviving in the quiet underbelly of our seedy world. Every now and then someone will catch us on film; our lives are the stuff of legend- read: Atticus Finch. A good bit of us flee for our lives, assume new identities, and find shelter at some social justice group, blithely drinking the of kool-aid of change ( I have survived to tell the tale of life on the inside and on the outside of both existences... choose your poison wisely). Then there are some of us who know better but the Fame monster ( yes there is a fame game in the legal field...read the business section of any newspaper) sings her sweet siren's song and VOILA! We are clamoring for a ticket to some expensive cocktail fundraiser when we know we should be working on those court appointed cases we took on to make a few bucks, ironically to afford that very cocktail fundraiser at which we are schmoozing at this very minute. We talk the talk and mimic the walk. Its amazing what a suit and a accordion file in hand can do. Sadly this group aims to be like the group they should avoid and even sadder, every attorney I know has been in this group. Myself included. We have all fallen victim to "the allure". This is what creates the enigma known as the "broke ass frontin' attorney", struggling to make a dollar out of fifteen cent... yes a dime and a nickel. It also creates the "unwarranted prick of an attorney"; the young hotshot who dont know shit, but he would like to have you believe that he does. It also births the "ubiquitous social climber"; you'll see this clown everywhere trying to be important. Sadly outside of this little microcosm he means nothing to no one but his Aunt Linda in Detroit who is simply proud to have a lawyer in the family. What countless Aunt Lindas dont know is that you are unhappy being a lawyer, but you like the false prestige it gives you. You drink and smoke yourself silly while precariously perched on your pretend pedestal of power. You are mean to people for virtually the same reason the school bully from your fifth grade class was mean to you- to cover up insecurity and feel like more of person. In reality you are Sallie Mae's bitch and you have been denied conjugal visits with creativity and whimsy. You are in a word- miserable... and in another- sadomasochistic (Rihanna is croaking your theme song). Again this doesnt describe every attorney. There are some who love what they are doing and wouldnt trade a second at the office for an hour with their kids... pause for effect... but really they like being an attorney. They thrive off the competitiveness and love to hear themselves babble on about nothing. It suits them. There are some like myself who love the idea that somewhere right now, someone gets to spend another night at home with their family because of a piece of paper on which I scribbled some analysis or some chat I had with a judge or opposing counsel (I dont get to do it much and thus Im just whistling Dixie here). Some people are designed to be attorneys for better or for worse but that doesnt give any of us the right to think that we are special. It certainly doesnt give us the right to be a certified league of jerk-offs. What it does give us the right to do is serve as humble committed servants to not only the justice we swore to defend but also to the people set under her protective petticoat. Afterall, we are "attornare"; the "one appointed to represent another's interests." Fellow Esquires, if you are going to put anything on a pedestal it should be your client. Believe that.

10. 9. 8... connecting the dots in retrospect

2011-03-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

A year ago when I decided that I would leave the nonprofit world I summarily parted ways with public policy advocacy as well. Not being able to see the two as being mutual exclusive but only as being inextricably intertwined I said to hell with it and threw my 5 year old baby out with the bath water.... Well mama is missing her baby and feel "less of a person" without it. After finding myself in countless conversations with people from many walks of life in which I had to break down one policy issue or another and having to identify and edify that ubiquitous "common thread" that unites us all, I realised that the foundation that I have been searching for has already been laid. For better or for worse, the last 5 years of my life has branded me and shaped me into policy wonk. Of course when this revelation hit me head on like a freight train all I could mumble was damn damn damn because I have spent the last 9 months going through a painful metamorphosis thinking that I would come out on the other side a generic social climbing attorney, free of the stench of rebellion and sweat borne of the ceaseless fight for change. However, some of us are born with an undeniable fight that we cant will out of us; myself being apart of that chosen few. What drove me to leave in the first place, you may be asking. Well this is a a question that has many answers and sadly, all of them are wrong. Wrong because I moved away from public policy for all of the wrong reasons. First and foremost I moved away from it all because my foundation had been arbitrarily laid. Public policy was not of my choosing; the bastard, bore from my countless encounters with chance, found me. I needed a job and an outlet for my angst with the state of affairs in Alabama, and lo and behold, I landed a nifty little starter gig as a policy analyst. It wasnt the best job because my view of the world was philosophically different than that of my employer and that led to many a head-butting sessions. But I had found something that allowed me to have a loud raucous voice, even if my employer tried to reign it in one too many times. However, I was a licensed attorney and that little voice known as ego wouldnt allow me to peacefully reside in the world of public policy. It wasnt just that voice. It was the voice of fellow attorneys, family and friends who couldnt for the life of them understand why I would spend my life wasting away at a low paying job, fighting "the man" as they saw it. Their voices joined the chorus of ego and insecurity and the chants got to the point where I couldnt turn them off. Even when the voices got low, my own greed and want for comfort got rancid and began to stink up the place. I was still feeling like I was Queen attorney, set apart from the others and I deserved to have the best and most extravagant of everything (ironically, now that I have some of the best of everything, I really dont want it at all...). Public policy from my view wasnt going to put me in a Porsche or Prada. I bounced around in public policy for a while longer and unbeknownst to me, I really gained ground and established a helluva presence. They say sometimes you cant see the forrest for the trees... I was fixated on the trees and missed what was really going on.

Fast forward to now, after a year of life on the outside of public policy and on the inside of a hollow legal practice, I have had time to witness the magnificence that is the forrest. I've had time to see the beauty and necessity in the struggle. More importantly I have had time to see that happiness isnt found in things or making other people comfortable with your life decisions. Was this past year a total waste? Hell naw it wasnt. I conquered a fear head on. I became a basic ole vanilla trial lawyer on my own term; glad that I got that out of my system. I can say that I tried my hand at what I had been running from and realised that I dont care for it. Its too boring and confining. I need the thrill of the fight to cure the restlessness pulsing through my veins. I know firsthand that there will be days I feel like driving off into the sunset, and I know that going m.i.a. for a few weeks is totally acceptable. But I also know that if something is too easy, too generic, too formulaic, its not for me. Does this mean that I am turning my back on being a lawyer? Of course not. I am just ready to introduce one to the other now in a proper setting. I tried it once before but the timing wasnt right and neither was I. Now I am and now that I know the landscape, the time is perfect. Im looking back and connecting the dots. Its starting to make sense, if only to me...

"Our Main Enemy Is Ignorance"

2011-02-24T17:35:00.001-08:00

I was looking for the words to express how I have been feeling lately about the media and the state of the world but M-1 from Dead Prez said it for me...

What I Know... Part I

2011-02-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Take what you want... but you have to share it with the world...

-Slakah Da Beatchild "Share"

"I just want to help people"... this is probably the most dangerous statement on the face of this planet. I am willing to bet that this is even more dangerous than "I just dont give a damn". At least with the latter you have the high probability of going down alone. With the former, collateral damage is inevitable. As I tried to explain this to our poor clueless 22 year old Jesuit Volunteer, I found myself reaffirming what I know for sure: You cant help people if you arent happy while doing it. One of the things that is hiding in plain sight in the Christian doctrine is that God will not judge you based on your works in this life; God will judge you based on your heart. Where was your heart in the midst of "helping people". As a reformed nonprofiteer, I know first hand that we all start off with the well intentioned desire to help people but somewhere along the way we lose heart for it. And instead of recognizing how detrimental our unhappiness is, we hide under that ever ubiquitous guise of obligation to "helping people". Somewhere along the way in my own journey I remembered the rule they tell you on a plane if you lose oxygen: Secure your own face mask before you help someone else. That seemingly sounds selfish but the truth is that you cant help anyone unless you have first helped yourself. When our primary focus and usually only focus is to help people, we attempt put their oxygen masks on first resting our own survival in the hands of fate. Most times we die inside and we take the people we aim to help, down with us. Well what does this all mean? It means that "helping people" should never be your focus. Your focus, as selfish as it may sound, is to find happiness in this life in whatever you do and trust that your happiness will radiate. This doesnt entail some mystical universal alignment as taught by those new age spiritualist. Its all pretty simple, honestly-If you are happy you will more than likely want to share that happiness with those around you; therein lies your desire to "help people". Its a secondary effect in all of this. Helping people at no time should be a chore. It should be a manifestation of your heart- it should reflect what is in your heart: love. You should love what you do and do what you love, knowing that love is effervescent, like alka seltzer in water- it changes everything around it. Now to clarify, there is a strong distinction between happiness and hedonism. This isnt about getting what you want. Its not about a carnal profane want. Its about allowing your soul to find balance, guiding you to where you truly need to be. Here is where you will find your place in history because believe it or not God gave us all room to shine and leave our mark. I wanted the JV to know that my three pronged approach is more a flow chart... find what you love first, knowing that you will want to share it with the world, and the world around you changes; thus adding something new to God's perfect design. The design is perfect because its not static; its always open for positive change and interpretation based on your spiritual happiness. In the end that is all God ever really wants for us- to be happy. So what I know is that the desire to help people is never enough unless comes from a happy heart. Do what makes your heart truly happy.

ROADBLOCK!

2011-02-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

"SERENITY NOW!"

- Frank Costanza (Seinfeld)

I think this quote says it all.... Im through! *Drops the mic and walks off stage*

Taking the Road Less Travelled...

2011-01-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

"But to me- the negative, the empty is exceedingly powerful."

-Alan Watts

How malleable is the human mind? Is it possible that being around negative people breeds negative thought patterns, behaviors, and thus negative outcomes? Can you wrap that negativity in nice shiny paper and make people accept it as something positive or at best something acceptable? I ask this question because one of the priorities on my bucket list is to eliminate negative patterns from my life. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create any kind of habit. I figured I would try to spend 21 days being nothing but positive - positive words, thoughts, and actions and hopefully positive outcomes, but I am learn that negativity is rather insidious. Its at every corner, in every institution, almost in the fabric of our very being. Where does it come from? Ive thought about this quite a bit... why would a person choose to foster the malignant growth of negativity. I think we do it subconsciously-- I believe that negativity is a disease. Like the pathology of any disease, if contained and exposure is limited, the disease will most often times die as it has nothing on which to feed. BUT the key here is exposure. How do you limit exposure if everyone around you is suffering from it in some form or another and more importantly if you yourself are a carrier how to you keep from spreading it? I ask the later because it would seem that the antidote to negativity would be extreme exposure to positivity right? Not necessarily so. Ever heard the old adage "it takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch?" Negativity is so invasive that any exposure to it is deadly. It has to be quarantined but we are going round robin here. If its already out there and everywhere how do you kill it? As I go into day 3 of 21, I am failing miserably. Even in my attempts to counteract negativity I find that it will beckon with open arms in the guise of peer acceptance. Go along to get along. How do you break from that in a society where playing the game is as inherent as breathing? I would be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. Its so much easier to point out the faults and failing of others than it is to focus on what good they bring into the world. So again how does one cure themselves of this HIV of the soul? I have found that silence acts as a prophylactic in some ways but it doesnt cure you of the thoughts in your mind. I do a lot of praying that God changes my heart but its a process. Its not a *poof* taaa-daa kind of thing. Its slow and I dont think 21 days will do it this go round. For every stride that is strode, there is always something waiting to undue what is done. Sometimes its succeeded and other times you brace yourself and you deftly move past it... usually more of the former than the latter because habit is comfortable and easy. SN: I am still trying to get past this over the counter culture easiness that is just as invidious as negativity is insidious. I will work but Im human; I like easy too. Rest assured readers that I refuse to give up or continue to give in to something that I want to be completely done with. Its just going to take a bit of time and effort. I have friends and family that bring out the best and most positive in me and I have decided to make a greater effort to spend more time with these folks because happiness does breed more happiness. I am trying really hard to remember that altruism has a longer lasting high than that momentary laugh at someone else's expense. If my laughter hurts someone else then its really not funny at all, now is it? But if my laughter is beautifully infectious and causes everyone joy at the expense of no one then thats a good thing. Good indeed. I am also remembering that it cost me little if at all anything to make someone feel good. A compliment is free and it can be life changing. Thank yous are free and can bring a smile to anyone's face. So Im taking baby steps to rewire my brain. Its not easy and I dont know if putting a attitude change on a bucket list was the best thing to do; however it does fall in line with my reasons for wanting to do the bucket list --to rethink how I live my life. And this my friends is a serious restructuring. So I wont be marking this off my list anytime soon... This is a life changing move.

Up next- vegetarianism, inspired by one of my positive friends, Jessica. My digestive tract is clapping my taste buds are rolling their eyes... yes my digestive tract has hands and taste buds have eyes. :)

Filling Up My Bucket...

2011-01-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

There's a hole in my bucket Dear Liza...

Well fix it Dear Henry.

I have been tinkering with the somewhat cliche idea of drafting (and possibly redrafting numerous times thereafter) a bucket list- yes my very own map to a full motivated life. No I am not dying, at least not physically but emotionally and spiritually I kinda feel like Im on my last leg. Im bored and everyday I get 'bored-er' ( I know that isnt a word ) with this life predictable. I figure if I put my wish list of excitement on paper then maybe it will spur me to move my ass and live my life like I have nothing to lose- according to Steve Jobs, since we are born dying we dont have anything to lose. Its this mindset that has gotten him to where he is today, or so he says. Im not much of a list maker and to be honest this is because I dont know what I really want. Yes I said it. I dont know what I want. It changes from day to day, whim to whim. I am almost like a person suffering from a dissociative cognition. For all my predictability, one thing that isnt predictable is what I want. It changes so much and I guess that is as a result of me slowly peeling back the layers of who I thought I was and discovering who I really am. For every layer that is shed, I find that what I want isnt really what I want at all. Blame it on being a Capricorn and an oldest child- we aim to please even if it is not pleasing to us. So I figured that if I sat down and let ink flow to paper as the thoughts flowed to my mind I would be able to see the shattered pieces of me and put them together, possibly figuring out who I truly am before this 3rd decade of my life implodes, making way for year 40. So what is acceptable for a bucket list and what if item #10 conflicts with #25? Yes I am that much of a walking dichotomy. Is something as simple as wanting to decorate a wedding cake permissible and is something as phenomenal as wanting to scale a Mt Kilimanjaro possible? Is there a fine line between "CHALLENGE" and "chile please" or is that line just a byproduct of fear? I dont have the answers for any of this, and such seems to a be a recurring them of uncertainty in my most recent adult life, but I am willing to try... just to see what happens. If anything I will rewire my brain to think differently about challenges and difficulty, which according to Ranier Maria Rilke I should trust completely. I guess you are wondering what brought this on? No it wasnt the movie. That would be too easy. Honestly I took a hard look around me and its all too safe. None of it touches that part of me that makes me cry for no reason at all. Yes I want to wake up crying for no reason other than I have spent another moment, another day figuring out what really makes me happy. Happiness makes you cry, you know? It makes you want to do whatever it takes to hold on it. So I gotta do this bucket list to see what it looks like first- gotta start the journey. This ought to be fun. I promise to post a few of the things from the list that I dare to do, and share how it affects me. And yes baking and decorating a speciality cake like on Food Network Challenge is on the list and so is sploshing around in the ocean in my birthday suit... stop laughing. Im serious. Stay tuned.

Creativity

2011-01-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

Promises Broken
With endless waiting
Been so many mountains
I've had to climb
I got this feeling
Something is waiting
My destiny's changing
I'm about to shine

-Amel Larrieux "Shine"

There is something about the ability to create that fascinates and excites me. The mere idea that a person relying on what on the inside of them bringing forth something unique original and different is something at which to marvel. Thats why I am confused at people who are completely content at repetitive 'jobs' or right brain only careers and who refuse to seek creative outlets be they on or off the clock. I once tried a case and the judge sent this rather length soliloquy on the injustices of the world and how they many times manifest in the midst of a troublesome landlord tenant relationship. He quoted movies, made reference to fables and some of my favorite book, drawing from Homer and even John Grisham, to weave a story of the unfairness in the world. I loss the trial and my client was summarily evicted (by no fault of my own technical ability) but the judge's creativity in rendering his verdict made this loss a pretty easy pill to swallow. Now this is not to say that I didnt care about my client's fate because I did but I think seeing shimmery glitter in what is typically a drab grey by the books profession gave me hope that people hadnt handed creativity its death certificate just yet. That just like me, people sometimes grow tired of the status quo and get turned off by the boxes we are handed and instructed to place our spirits in. There are days when I think about throwing everything away and recreating my life as the quirky creative being I was designed to be, but then I get a bill in the mail and realise that totally abandonment isnt really a viable option, that I too have to figure out how to sprinkle glitter on my everyday matte teal ( I say teal because that is what my life feels like. Teal. It has the potential to be explosive but it sits in limbo on the fringes of groundbreaking and broke & grounded.). And I only need a little because in the right light, one speck of glitter or one sprig of faerie dust will sparkle enough to be noticed. Today as I sat back looking at how life moves in cycles and how some people spin off into their own dynamic orbit, I started to wonder what made them rotate out into their own stratosphere- creativity did. Or rather the desire to honor and maintain their ability to create without limits did. I dont know how to say this without seeming like Im being judgmental but people who dont understand what it is to be a creative being operate at a pretty low frequency and will lower your frequency if you dont get away. So truly creativity people get away... far far away to preserve the ability to hear God's voice because ultimately that is what separates the creative from the average-- the ability to listen and act on what they hear. That higher frequency. I think that is why people who are angst ridden and malcontent tend to be the most creative; because they are trying their damnest to hear that Voice on the inside. But the happiest people in the world- the truly happy- can also hear it and that is because they have decided that its all that they will listen to. They tune out the drone of the common and "adjusted" and dance to that downbeat that you really wont hear unless you have trained your ear and heart to suss it out. I think from time to time we all hear it but for the sake of conformity and comfort we ignore it. Ignoring it has led me to the utterly profound question: "Is this all there is to life?" When we reach that point, its time to spin off and become whirling dervishes in our rhythmic prayer; throwing glitter all over the damn place if need be, but remember it only takes a little to add shine. The light of creativity is always there to reflect off of it...

357 More Days to Go

2011-01-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

Here we are a week into the new year and we have witnessed massive bird, fish, and crab kills across the globe, a solar eclipse, a meteor shower, and impending snow storm, and a man with a golden voice redeem himself. Im not sure what God is trying to tell us just yet but I suspect (S)He is telling us to get right or else. I cant help but to think of that late eighties movie with a less scandalous Demi Moore, where she gives up her life to stop the apocalypse. The first sign of danger was weird weather, followed by an even weirder sign- massive fish kill. Its all pretty freaky if you ask me but its a good motivator to make the best of what's left, however long that may be. You would think with the northern magnetic pole sliding into Russia I would be in panic mode but truth be told, Im not. I just pray and ask God for a little more time and a little more mercy while striving to give my life over to Him in every way possible. Again this is an uphill battle at times, but I've gotten better at limiting the negative talk and selfish actions. Im still working on my temper and envy issues. They surface from time to time but I am quick to remind myself that nothing is worth all the energy anger takes and envy is a waste of time, a cyclical cesspool of self induced anxiety. Anyway, for some reason everyone sees this year as their year of progress... I too am among those who have christen MMXI an equation for excellence but not just on the personal or professional front but on another level. Something tells me that this year will not a walk in the park. It will be full of hard decisions, long hours of putting my nose to the grindstone, and tossing out old habits for new and improved flexible ways of doing things- throwing out the book... and yes YES, success is on the other end of that. Does that mean I will be a million divorce attorney/mediator? Yeah but probably not within the year. I will however have laid the groundwork for it. Does it mean I will be that ever elusive size 12 once more? Again, we'll get there but lets create a habit of healthy; if Im still downing Butch burgers on any day but my birthday, I have work to do, and this is the year to do it. I figure if Haley Barbour can kinda sidestep his racist prick ways and free the Scott sisters (emphasis on the kinda) I can step up my game. Its only a week in and the possibilities are still limitless but given the strange wave of events, time definitely isn't. And just think its not even 2012 yet. I just want to emerge on the other side of this 357, a person ready for anything... and yes I kind of regret saying that as God and I have a funny relationship- He really takes me through changes to get me to where I asked to be, and I know asking for readiness at all costs is going to be like purifying silver in fire. But it all worth it to hear in the end, whenever that may be, "well done my child...well done." Lets pray that we have more than 357 days left... hey! its just now getting good!

MMXI

2011-01-02T21:01:00.000-08:00

Hello 2011!

I am so happy to finally meet you. I have been told by many that you would be the year that would usher in amazing change to my life, and for the better. You know I am holding you to that. I have been anticipating your arrival for quite some time now. With you comes a new venture actually kicking into gear, and my first full year as a basic self employed attorney, but we both know basic just isnt my style; I either go hard or go home! So far I am all for going hard as hell... no limits. Just putting nose to the grind stone and making it happen. Failure has never been an option and something tells me that you dont like failure either- we will get along just fine if this is true. My mom seems to think that you will bring me a husband and fruit of my loin. Hmm... Im ok on the husband thing but the kiddies must wait a while longer. Truth be told all I can see right now is a successful domestic relations law firm... and a cool loft downtown, and trips to visit my friends who make me smile with sincerity. Im still a bit of a free spirit right now and I cant see Jr. on mama's hip at a Sade concert or mama 7 months pregnant dancing a a party. I figure if you are to bring a family my way, lets wait til the end of the year?! Anyhow, you can see that there are some pretty great expectations for you. I hope that you can deliver... Again welcome! Now lets get to work!

Acknowledging and Owning Up

2010-12-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

Come out angels,
Come out ghosts,
Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I'm not running,
and I'm not scared,
I am waiting,
And well prepared.

I'm in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there's nowhere to run

John Mayer "War of My Life Lyrics"

Today I sat down and I sent an email in which I politely declined to participate in something. I said no. Many times I claim that saying no isnt a big deal for me but as I drafted that email, the difficultly of expressing my no became palpable. My mind became congested with all of the possible repercussions of saying no. Would this person get mad? Would they understand? Would they even care? Well I cant answer any of that since I havent a replied but what I could answer is why I was suffering from the adverse reaction to saying no. No is a powerful word, so powerful that when you say it, its like declaring war. You'd better be able to back it up and stand firmly on it when you say it. For me that means asserting a certain amount of chutzpah that while I have it, I rarely use it. When I am powerful all eyes are on me, and Im not a spotlight girl. Im low key and steadfast, but something tells me that like my brain, remaining this way means I am only using 5% of my potential. After hitting the send key today, I thought about all of the times I had said no and stuck with it. I thought about all the times I dug deep down inside, pulled my shoulders back and square, lifted my chin, and let the spark of power unravel from the base of my spin and rise up. What did I feel? What caused it to spring forth? Who was I in that moment? I recalled adrenaline, focus, and a posture fit for a queen... a warrior queen. And maybe that's it... I have been playing lowly courtesan waiting to be directed when my truer calling is that of Hatsheput, Queen Pharaoh, born to lead. Maybe its time to own up? As easy as it is to play the in the background, its uncomfortable, like hiding a golden armor behind a raggedy cape; one brisk wind and the jig is up. For purposes of clarification, no this isnt my ego talking. She'd much rather do as little as possible, complain and take all the credit. Owning up is really hard ego bruising work. I've noticed for every gain there is a price, a loss, a sacrifice. Everyday is a day on another battlefield of some sort, and you have to remain vigilant. There is no place for egos in a time of war. And let's face it, if you are strategizing or visioning about something then you are in battle- such is life. Either you are a warrior, leading the fight, calling the shots or a soldier being lead, praying its to victory and not slaughter. Tis better to be the vigilant warrior. But I digress- a Sun Tzu moment. At some point we all have to own up to whatever is inside of us, and nurture it to ripe maturity. I carry a power that other's see and Im trying my hardest to see in myself. In an attempt to remain humble and quarantine the beast of pride, I may have done myself a greater disservice, wrestling with the angel that simply wants to bless me or rather call forth a blessing that has always been there. I have to tell myself, its okay to finish first, well ahead of the pack- dont doubt you know what you know. Its perfectly fine if you dissent, drawing your own conclusions- just because everyone is going that way, doesnt mean its right. Its just safe, or so it seems. Rolling with the herd can sometimes mean walking blindly off the side of a ravine or into a hunters snare. Running alone is a risk but most times, the reward is great. Walking with the group, usually wont get you noticed but when you've got it, you've got it. Im still figuring out just what it is I've got, but I know its something pretty special because I have recognized snippets of it in action. Magic springs forth from my fingertips, fire from my tongue, and thunder with each step I take... or at least in that moment it feels this way- like Oya owns my soul. Its there, I just need to acknowledge it, and own up to it. L. Simone Pharaoh Queen has a nice ring to it. Im ready for the fight...

Letters to Jesus Claus or Santa Christ... ?!?

2010-12-24T16:44:00.001-08:00

Dear Jesus,

No its not Margaret this time. Its me Simone... yes the one who has been

whining about starting a law firm this year and asking for miracles I dont deserve; thank you for putting up with me. Getting to the point-Let me first apologize for all the

years I spent as a kid, thinking that you and Santa Claus were on the same level. Charge it to the game, not my heart. I didnt know any better. Second let me apologize for all the countless years I spent running around looking for sales and buying things I really didnt need; and for mistaking my purchases with love. I thought that buying gifts was the same as saying I love you. Its not. Most importantly let me apologize for not carrying on your ministry of Love thru out the year as I should. I am like most. I wait til the holiday season and get all "goodwill towards men"-ish and want to do good. What's even more embarrassing is that despite this superficial urge, most times I ate, drank, and was merry, never considering that someone somewhere was going without. Thats pretty selfish and gluttonous. I know better. Also let me apologize for my brethren who forget that Christmas is really about you. There are some who simply dont believe in you and then even worse there are those who do and treat you and your ministry like a buffet, picking and choosing what they like about your message and leaving out what they think is too hard. I am especially ashamed of us who only come to you when we are in need. I have been guilty of that but I am learning that you have been here, good, bad, and ugly and you have never forsaken me; I should do the same, giving reverence to you at all times. I am sorry that we fight over $300 TVs, trample one another to death at Wal-Mart store for $10 board games, and shoot each other in malls for a pair of Jordans ( no Lord not the river; tennis shoes named after a basketball player... yes , Michael.) I am sorry that we have adopted pagan rituals and mistakenly confused them with the true beauty of your birth. I know I know... we live in this world but we are not of it, and as long as we remember you in all that we do, you will forgive us, but some of us have forgotten. We simply find it easier to not remember. We like the bright lights, personified snow people, talking shining reindeers, and jolly old white men who technically are trespassing, and its much easier to carry on this string of lies than it is to tell the truth. You know truth telling tends not to be much fun. But I often imagine what would happen if we did tell the truth? We probably wouldnt spend money we dont have on junk we dont need. We wouldn't rob one another and tell the victims "I have to do this to pay for Christmas." I thought that the ultimate gift had been paid for. I didnt realize that there was still a price to be paid? Correct me if I am wrong but you shed your blood so that we wouldnt have to pay for Christmas, right? Again Lord I am so sorry if we have forgotten or we have just decided to ignore it. I know I can only correct how I handle this situation and that is why I am apologizing. I didnt buy any unnecessary stuff this year. I did take Mrs. Frankie a poinsettia and a bottle of champagne but that was a show of gratitude, and its one in the midst of many. I am cooking my family brunch tomorrow, like I did last year. The loved it, and I love feeding my family. I want to also say thank you for another year. Its been a trip but Im still here. Also a huge thank you for my nephew Ralphie... cant wait to meet the little booger. I especially want to thank you for coming to this Earth among us the unworthy and laying down your life to show us what true love is. I would like to say that one day we will get it but you already know how this story will unfold. Sadly all of us wont be by your side in the end. I wonder if the news will announce the impending salvation deadline like they just announced the approaching Christmas shopping deadline. My guess is that they will not.

Ive decided that from this point on that I would do what I could to celebrate you by showing undying gratitude, spreading your message of Love unconditional, and making sure that when and where I could, I would remind people of who you are and what you did... what you continue to do. Its not easy. Like I said truth telling is an arduous task. Just like a Christmas without buying gifts... this isnt easy. Ive been conditioned to see wrapping paper and become anxious. Im working on it Lord. I want to be equally if not more excited about your presence.

Well Lord I just want to let you know that I remember you and what you have done for us and continue to do for us. I hope that you can find it in your heart to be merciful towards us despite our shortcomings. Merry CHRISTmas.

Your Humble Faithful Servant,

PS- Also let me apologize for the hate mongers and the zealots who make you look like a crazy demanding bully... I know you love everyone, even them. Yes Lord, even Sara Palin and Pat Robertson, and yes Lord I try very hard to love them too.

Its not Easy Being Green... & Black... Really? I Thought It Was?!

2010-12-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'll keep this short:

Yes Virginia, black people do care about the environment... at least this one does. Its not easy being green and black? Actually for me its not a big deal. Most times I am the only black-green person in the room and my friends dont quite understand why I give a care. My legal colleagues, think its a bit weird but they also think I am quite weird in general, given my propensity to do stuff for free and quickly remind them that for me its a passion, not a position. I often have to explain my path to embracing all things green (except hybrid cars... they are a health hazard). The who what when where and most importantly how? Yes just how does a quirky, prissy, black attorney become someone who doesnt mind wilderness hikes and organic wine? I cant say for certain but I think it all began with gardening with my Granny Sadie. Its something liberating about getting dirt under one's nails and getting so engrossed in planting the seeds of life that you somehow block out that big yellow and black spider crawling on your hand (until someone points it out and gives you serious cardiac arrhythmia). You start to understand the world around you and become one with God's creation. To witness your seed sprout into a bale of turnip greens or a full flowery snowball plant, does something to your psyche that makes you realize your place as a gatekeeper of God's most grand design. This is something that never leaves you. You just get older and find ways to integrate it into your life as you go along. My Granny is now planting Hydrangeas for Jesus and time doesnt allow me to get out and get my hands as dirty as I would like but I still know my responsibility to this Earth and Her inhabitants. And given my station in life and my background in social justice, I know that my role as a gatekeeper is more than just planting flowers. Its about raising awareness, building bridges, and reminding people of their intrinsic responsibilities to this grand place. The pathways God has allowed for me to continue this work does often times seem a bit off the beaten path but then again my life is off the beaten path. I love the unique people that this work has brought into my life. Yes I am often times the lone show of "diversity" but like my predecessor before me, someone has to take that step to redefine things and open doors. The diversity in many ways is reciprocal. My presence challenges the majority to reassess their notions on who should be at the table and their presence makes me do away with my presumptions, allowing my circle to broaden, On the flip, I am there to prove that I am not an anomaly but rather a representation of many. No most of us dont run out and buy hybrids, participate in "lights out" day or buy organic, we often times find ourselves in the midst of the unsexy stuff like fighting to keep our neighborhoods safe and healthy, but the fact remains that a lot of us care. We really do give a damn. For the sake of clarity and keeping it one hundred, I do like organic food and recycled paper and before one almost ill fated trip to TN in a hybrid, yes I too considered buying one. I straddle the fence, and again that is a good thing. Straddling fences allows me to build connections. And for this reason alone I find that being black and green is what's up! What I have found in my career in social justice, is that the struggle is one big beast with many heads, that we have each given a different name: housing discrimination, environmental injustice, economic suppression, unequal access to education, healthcare disparities, etc... they all stem from the same source: ignorance. My being an advocate, an attorney, a mediator, an environmentalist, etc, etc , etc ( The King and I, if you didnt catch on) all stem from my fight to eradicate ignorance. So for me being an environmentalist is more than a trend; its just me attacking the beast from another angle. Its a natural progression, rooted in a simplistic childhood love for dirt and gardening. Environmentalism, however you choose to look at the word, is a personal crusade. I dont get paid for it-- never asked to be. Its not apart of my legal practice or my job description. I do it because there is a passion there.... again its a passion not a position. And for many other black and brown folks this is their reality too. We were doing it before it was sexy and will remain doing it long after its passe. Contrary to popular misconception, its not a race thing. A committed person is committed no matter what. So is it really not that easy to be green and black? Honestly for me its one of the most natural things in the world.

Next Year Baby...

2010-12-19T15:53:00.001-08:00

putting it all in context:

Next Year

2010-12-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

Resolutions
Well Baby they come and go
Will I do any of these things?
The answer's probably no...

"Baby Next Year"- Jamie Cullum

In T minus 13 days it will be next year and all of those things that I promised myself I would do throughout the year are looking at me, pointing and laughing. For the most part they get a Kanye Shrug. I never really keep my promises; I make new one as I go along. I just kinda go with the flow of things. My promises shift to fit my reality as the year progresses. A girl has to be realistic right? Yeah I know that I said I would be back in a size 12 dress but isnt the fact that I dropped a jean size just as good? Yeah I said I would return more phone calls but isnt the fact that I added you on facebook just as acceptable? No? Well I tried. I figure if I get to the end of the year and I am not in a mental ward or estranged from my family, that I am doing pretty frigging good, and this year was pretty exceptional. I have spent most of it unemployed and stranded in Mobile and I am still smiling. This is the first year in a very long time that I havent bought a designer purse or spent 8 out of 12 months anywhere but home, but this is also the very first year that I havent been unlucky in love too. By all accounts this is the first year I have spent in a long time just simply taking a long hard look at my life and surroundings and acknowledging all is pretty good in my world. I have all of my limbs, fingers and toes. I am not sharing my body with a parasite of any kind... well there was the little bout with the pesky staph infection but Im okay now. I have my sight, taste, sense of smell, and most importantly my hearing (lets face it, no music makes for a suicidal Simone). I have friends who have been in my corner even when I am not the most inviting person. They look past my flakiness and trust issues and love me anyway. I've managed to be a more open person, and boy did this opening up process hurt like hell but I knew that now was the time for me to pierce the veil of solitude and spring forth like Jupiter from my own Saturnine head. Its a process, not hiding and all, but I remain guarded; so dont take this level of openness as a sign of my weakness. Quite the contrary. I will still know more about you than you about me on any given day, at any given time. Lucky for you I have a good heart and use this super power to the benefit of mankind. I still havent met that Latino jazz pianist but I have decided that a regular around the way dude who either knows who Danilo Perez is or who is at least willing to learn who he is for the sake of making me happy is just as good, if not better. Im not conquering the world or saving it... I am just learning to live in it for the time being. I move thru this world with a very simple flow chart:

what if I...--->why dont I...--->what now---> whats next??

It used to be

why should I---> why would I---> I didnt--->FAIL!

Thats not life. Thats bondage. If it didnt meet the goals, or the easy predictable route that I had set at the beginning of the year, this chick wasnt budging. Now I am pretty flexible. No job. I'll create one... actually 2. Working on another project along with the law firm. No boyfriend. No i will not create one but I will have fun flirting and dating whomever where ever i want for the time being. Cant travel right now to see friends? Skype mutherfucker Skpye! Sorry another Kanye moment. Its all about bending, moving, and shaking. It doesnt make everyone happy but Ive learned that you never will. Not this year, or the next. So next year, Twenty eleven, Im making the same resolution I made last year... be flexible and willing to shift to create the world that you need. This year.

Moving on in Mobile

2010-12-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

Ah at last I have come full circle on my extended weekend excursion. The "Wonder Woman" electric blue fingernail polish has been removed and a more sensible red has been applied. Ive collected a speeding ticket that woefully sits over the sun visor in my car, and yes I am rather crestfallen about it. Whatever happened to a warning? My duffle bag is haphazardly thrown in a corner begging to be unpacked but not tonight. And I am full of citrusy sweet Lemon Squares from the IZ Too Bakery in Vestavia Hills... it was my last stop of the trip. I had a lovely time catching up with people I love and making plans to do better about keeping in touch. Im smiling. Now that I am back in Mobile in my Pjs in my cushy high set bed, I am feeling rather serene about the last 9 years of my life. Not only has my trip come full circle but so has this journey I have been on since 2002. Its all making perfectly good sense now, keeping in mind what "good sense" is in my world. Its still full of Cheshire Cats with big grins and words as foolish as "Caloo Callay" but like Alice before me, I feel as if I may have slain my own personal Jabbawockee and this is my own little "Frabjous Day". I am big on the "Alice in Wonderland" and "Alice Through the Looking Glass" analogies because that is how I've always envisioned my life- a series of weird off the wall characters, & sequences of events that somehow, someway make sense in the end. If you catch me looking at you strangely its probably because I am imagining you as a blue caterpillar or a mad hatter... or something like that.

I sat talking to a former employer (who if I remember clearly, wanted to choke me senseless about 5 years ago when I sat at her desk informed her that I wasn't sitting for the bar because I no longer wanted to practice law) and gave her the full rundown of where my life is now, and I voiced out loud what I have been long unwilling to say: "I have been running away from this because I have been scared of my own personal 'what ifs'". Linda, always as gracious as she is beautiful, allowed a moment for that to sink in and simply said "Im proud that you have come full circle." Just like Alice I have indeed come full circle, and now that the circle is complete its time to move on and chart new territory. Take the design and add something totally new and innovative to it... just like my "Wonder Woman" blue nails. Every time I think of what this could be, I also get a greater sense of this is what it will be. For me that 'will' is simply my some kind of wonderful.

Everyday I witness people take grandiose leaps of faith that far surpass my little hopscotch skip a block jump, and I take that all into perspective. If they can take a grand jeté into the great unknown, then I most definitely can take a petite jeté into the mildly uncertain, especially if it means that I can do it like I wanna. So as I sit here gleefully polishing off my last lemon square, I am so ready to move forward it hurts...

SN: there are still days I want to run but God has a way to pulling me back in line...

Bedtime in Birmingham (or Having a Moment in Hoover)

2010-12-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

"As the rain falls down upon the interstate,
Any doubts she had are all but washed away.

A long look back at Birmingham."

-Amanda Marshall "Birmingham"

Since I found words about Montgomery early this morning, I thought it was only fair that I find a few words about the place I called home for four and a half years, Birmingham. What can I say about the Magic City... a lot but I will keep it brief as I am actually pretty tired. As I sped up 65 today, letting Delores roar clear past 110 mph, listening to Five for Fighting, I recalled my odd infatuation with Birmingham. It was B'ham or bust. For some strange reason Birmingham seems to be destination if not a stopping point for most all young Alabamians. Why? I am not quite sure, but for me it represent a sense of freedom; in hindsight, I probably would have fared much better in my beloved Big Easy, not much of a cultural adjustment. It was far enough away from what I had known and was trying hard to forget but close enough where I didn't really have to grow up and own up. For some reason I assumed that moving 3.5 hrs up the road would give me a big blank canvas on which to paint a new picture free of parental interference, bad bad horrible awful boyfriends, and the ever present self induced boredom. Thing is you can never run from your problems or character flaws. They are your perpetual shadow until you choose to address them. I was spoiled, arrogant, and conniving and no amount of running would allow me to escape myself. It was with this "I am so fucking great" attitude that I planted my flag in the terra ferma of the next 4 years of my life, and it was with this attitude that I found myself in a constant struggle for clarity, sanity, and identity. Between law school, the cultural adjustment (because lets face it, we do things a little differently on the coast), the cold winters, and balancing my independence I found myself either flat on my face or flat on my ass, both figuratively and literally, many many many times and I am woman enough now to admit that all of those ass-busting, face-scrapping moments were so totally necessary. Birmingham broke me. Embarrassment became a daily routine and humility, its only antidote. If it wasn't being totally unprepared for class, it was being totally unprepared to pay my rent. Constant fights with my sister who was a few steps away at UAB proved as involuntary as breathing; struggling makes people volatile. My favorite aunt temporarily became my least favorite aunt and maintaining friendship both close and afar became a luck of the draw. I was a real mess and I hated Birmingham. But I only hated it because at the time I hated change. In hindsight Birmingham was the pressure I needed (Montgomery the cut and shit I guess I am in the midst of my polishing) to get a grip on reality. The 4+ years I spent meandering about, and I do mean meandering- I moved 7 times while there - wasn't all bad. There was plenty of good times and good people (most of it fueled by alcohol and silliness... Wednesday Chapelle Show and Vodka at Sara's ring a bell?) and wonderful experiences. Though it may sound random, it was the little things that made it so great: Amassing a ridiculous CD collection that span the musical globe, Christmas shopping with my aunt at the Summit & Galleria (yes we repaired our relationship--- shopping unifies women!), random moments in the BLSA office, passing the goddamn bar on the first try after studying alone, smoking one every now and then with my loft neighbors Jay and Patrick, SURINS! (super crunch roll anyone?), the Roberts and Fish Christmas parties at Oceans (Scott always got wasted), shared Crème Brûlée and Beaujolais at Highlands with Courtney (good times Mr. S), the trip to Miami Beach on Cumberland's dime with Nika, Chereka, and Demetrius,.... I could go on and on because there was a whole lot of good, that I appreciate more now than I did then. When I left Birmingham in late 2006, I knew it was time to go. Unlike with Montgomery, there have been no lingering feelings of business left unfinished, words left unsaid. I had done all I had to do and said all I had to say at that point. Our relationship had run its course... we didn't need each other anymore. I wont front, there are times I long for the footloose and fancy free foolishness that being a heady young 20 something in this town allowed me but I'm not itching to go back. Birmingham for me is now just a city; the magic just isn't there. I come back to visit every now and then and I must say the nostalgia feels good, but its just that-- nostalgia...

Musing From Montgomery

2010-12-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

Four short years ago around this very time, I found myself living in Montgomery. I had just landed a job as a policy analyst/ lobbyist and begrudgingly after much thought I decided to relinquish my downtown Birmingham loft, making my life in Montgomery a reality. I wasn't excited about this move to say in the least but as I sat one late evening in my then 11th floor office overlooking downtown, drawing sad faces in an icy window heated with the fog of my warm breath, I knew that this is where I was supposed to be. No one I know intentionally and gleefully moves to Montgomery. Despite the Civil Right movement, negative separatist attitudes still remain both across color lines and the strata of class. Its not a welcoming city by any means. I recalled trying to join a book club here. After talking to the book club president about literature and what I sought when picking a book, she curtly told me that she didn't think I would be a good fit for their club. The cause of the sudden change in tone? Me denouncing Eric Jerome Dickey and saying that Cornel West was not the end all and be all of the black perspective. I quickly learned that you either fall in line with the status quo or you find yourself out there making your own way. Thing is Ive never minded making my own way; its just in Montgomery, a town as insipid and bland as hour old grits without salt, pepper, and butter, life is not only lonely, its boring. This is not to say that Montgomery didn't have its up side, because it did. There were weekends my law school homegirl Nika would come home for a visit. We would do things that I had often shunned like going to see a black stage play starring Tank. Ginuwine, and Robin Givens. Any chance to laugh and remember what fun felt like was welcomed. I also had the immense pleasure of meeting Kenny and Karina Polen-Davis, a young hip couple who had like myself tried to see something good in the birthplace of the Civil Right Movement. They owned Taina's Art Gallery, which for me was the epicenter of culture and in so many ways joy. To see beautiful art, hear good poetry, and coalesce with beautiful people made my days shorter; a sure sign that the joie de vivre was returning to my soul. I met two young men who will forever be my brothers for life. Evan and Mama Claire adopted me and fed my soul when it was starving for fortification and sustenance. At my darkest moment here in Montgomery, it was that mother and son team that reminded me that I am bigger than any circumstance thrown at me. For them I am eternally grateful and my love know no bounds. Be Mock. What can I say about him other than our friendship has span 4 states and DC (AL, PA, LA, and GA) and two different but connected circle of friends, and numerous jobs and fellowships. There is some kinship there that isn't biological but its strong nonetheless. Had it not been for Montgomery, I would've missed out on both of these ties. There are days I miss my little (well not really little, it was quite large) 2 floor apartment in that old house on Perry Street adjacent to the governors mansion (the picture above was my exit and sometimes I take it by mistake rooted in habit). The smell of the 60 year old hardwood floors and the icy cool feel of the marble tile in the bathroom early winter mornings is something I miss. Or how the late noon light flooded the sun room as I burned incense while listening to what was then my obsession- Wax Poetic Nu Blu Sessions. Norah Jones singing "Tell Me" will forever be synonymous with Montgomery. Sometimes I feel as if I left Montgomery a hare too soon; as if there was and is still some unfinished business here. I never took that stroll through my Garden District neighborhood. I never ate lunch at the farmers' market. I never came back to Cool Beans on a Friday evening to listen to that jazz set although I promised the owner Shari many a time that I would. I feel as if I owe Montgomery more of my time... but alas, that moment has passed. My time in Montgomery is just a memory.

As I sit here in this very city at almost that same point in time when I decided to make this place my home, I reminded that sometimes, we are drawn to places for reasons that we may not be able to see or appreciate while living them. For better or for worse, Montgomery proved to be a fertile ground for my maturity, pushing me to dig deeper than just the surface and to glean joy out of every little thing that came my way. I learned so much here, and for that Montgomery, believe it or not will always hold a special place in my heart... but no I WILL NOT be moving back! :)

28 days and counting

2010-12-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am officially 28 days away from my 31st birthday and I must say that the first 365 days of my 3rd decade here on this planet have been nothing short of unnerving but utterly spectacular. If someone would have told my 25 year old self I would be where I am now I would have cursed them out and spat at them. This is not to say that its been bad; it just hasn't been what I expected. I think we always have really huge fantastical dreams about the life beyond when we are in our 20s, footloose and fancy free and downright naive... idiotic even. We concoct these mental images that fall in line with one of two things:

Número Um:

~The ever ubiquitous and dangerously foolish American dream~

I've said it once and I'll say it again... buy into that shit if you want to; misery will have you as it bitch. The likelihood of having the Blair Underwood look alike husband, the 2.5 kids, the brick colonial (and summer home on some picturesque coastline), the BMW (and the Range Rover because the kids cant possibly ride in the M5), and job where you feel like you're appreciated (and it shows in your paycheck and benefits package) is slim to none unless you are an obscure barely noticeable cast member of the ever boring "St. Elmo's Fire" (remind me again why this movie is considered a classic) because that shit rarely happens in real life for the everyday person. Marriage is akin to a unicorn- maybe it existed before the Great Deluge or the Great Schism... the great something, but its pretty hard to come by now. This is not to say its out of the question; its just a question that begs to be asked at the moment. And as for kids. I love'em. I even want a few but as time goes on my biological clock doesnt tick louder; to the contrary its something I have to sit still and focus to listen for from time to time just to remind myself that I am still a woman of childbearing age. I still have visions of two little chubby cheeked twin girls dancing in my head on occasion but relocating to Brasil when I turn 45 is a much more prevalent fantasy. As for the house, unlike most Americans, a house for me doesnt represent financial security. It represents 30 years of trapped. I have house hunted on occasion and have even got to the financial part of it all only to go to sleep one fortuitous night and dream of being tethered to a rock that is sinking. I would say that it is my mild psychic ability that kicked in and it was probably a warning of the then impending housing crisis... but I'll just stick with it being my fear of commitment. As for the BMW- I own it, drive it, pay the car note and insurance on it- its not all its cracked up to be. With state troopers every 5 to 10 miles on the highway, Delores cant open up and set the road on fire like she is designed to. Maybe I should move to Germany or Montana? And the biggie- that dream career! I dont have it yet. Im still waiting for Anthony Bourdain to do a cohost search, lay eyes on me and know its instant kismet. That or just mysteriously leave the show so that I can step into what is rightfully mine. I like being an attorney; key word here is 'like'. I like it enough to keep doing it until God sends me off to do other things that hopefully involve global cuisine, travel, writing, and copious amounts of sarcasm.

As you can see I am not deluded by the American dream. Its flawed.

Número Dois:

~The 'I Can Do Anything' Myth~

Let me be perfectly clear on this one. You can do anything,... you can do the hell out of anything like its a cheap hard up for money prostitution whore (in my RHoNJ Teresa Guidice voice), but just make sure anything accomplishes 3 purposes:

it truly makes you happy
it adds to the Grand Design
and it helps out your fellow man along the way

(side note- at some point you gotta know what 'it' (or 'anything') is. Otherwise its all futile and it will undo some of or all of the above)

Most times when people proclaim that they can do anything, its not to satisfy the above requisites. It is because they really dont want to do anything at all or dont want to take on the responsibility to decide just what that anything will be. It provides us with an excuse to be flighty and flaky. It allows you to avoid intention and allows you to go through life without a vision. Without a vision, you're bear meat in the wilderness of life, my friend. We foolishly believe that leaving "anything's" true identity to the hands of fate will allows us freedom to dream big and dream wild, and for a 19 year old thats ok. For a 21 year old its still somewhat ok. At 25 it raises concern. At 30 its time to lay back on a sofa and let a professional mind-fuck you until you get to the root of your dysfunction. At 30 the likelihood of you being the featured chick in a rap video grinding with Pitbull is slim to none. The probability that you will quit your salaried job to go and paint romanticized self portraits at a monastery in heart of the happiness in the happiest country in the world (Denmark according to Forbes) is not that high. The chances that you will sell towels on a beach just to feed yourself while writing a memoir of your mundane and relatively uneventful life are nonexistent, barring you suffer an existential crisis. Even then I would suggest a trip to sofa in swank office before you go in search of. Everyone cant 'Eat, Pray, Love' their way through their crises. The overall problem with this mindset is that it allows for people to be lazy. Dont get me wrong. I LOVE dreaming about doing any and everything and sometimes those dreams come true and other times I know better. As excited as I might get just thinking about it, Blair Underwood is not going to move me into his pool house to be his live in kept mistress and furthermore this isnt my identified 'anything'... believe it or not. For me my anythings are well oiled gears that work together to form a very complexed yet purposeful me who fall in line with the three requirements up top. I cant say thats true for everyone.

Most people are still trying to be 21 even though they are 46. Thats neither cute nor comforting. Im not 46- just 31 and I have no desire to be my 21 year old self because now I know better.

Now that I am one full year removed from my tumultuous 20s, I can look back and see in myself what I just described. I still grapple with both of these outlooks on life from time to time. When I find myself coveting a cousin or a friend's version of the American Dream I have to reminds myself that in order for you to appreciate your dream you must've at some point experienced a nightmare to preserve the universal law of balance. When I get the urge to let my life blow in the winds I understand that sometimes things get caught in the breeze and blow away never to be seen again. Neither of these approaches suits a 30 something me. No. Im not trying to endure nightmares or get caught adrift. Im trying to live a life that fits those 3 requirements that I mentioned. Im aiming for happiness that comes from a place of utterly divine joy. I am striving to add to the Design; not to corrupt it. I am always, ALWAYS remembering that its not just about me (if you know me then you know its probably never about me); the face of God is found in the collective spirit of brotherhood. Its becoming apparent that doing one thing doesn't always satisfy all of these requirements. So I am constantly finding ways to be a whole person. I am a writer. I am an attorney. I am an activist. I am a connoisseur of great music and delightful food. I am a culture seeker, eager to eat Thai food while speaking Portuguese and listening to Merengue. I am a collector of books and eye catching trendy nail polish. I am a child of God who constantly seeks Him/Her in everything that I do. The list goes on and on. I am doing things that my shortsighted 20 something self could never imagine and would have never chosen for herself. Its scary and its exhilarating... its magic baby.

I often read astrology just to whimsically pass the time, and I read that Capricorn women get better with age. We come into our own and our horizons broaden. For us this is the fountain of youth; we age in reverse both physically and in our stringent approach to life. I dont give astrology much merit but I must say that as I get older I feel like life is just beginning. So here's to the next page in my book of 30s. Here's where the plot line thickens and the story gets so good you cant put the book down.

Reflections at the End of Fall

2010-11-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

What makes us comfortable makes us weak. Its just that simple. If ever you find yourself so settled into something, some place, or in the life of someone, you lose that part of you that is full of intrepid fight. You know the ins and outs and very little catches you off guard. So you find yourself arrogantly safe, and most times bored out of your ever loving mind. And you cant grow if you're comfortable. Every stage of growth brings some level of discomfort. Either your skin gets too tight or your environment starts to suffocate you but you need something to push you. Most times if you dont pay attention to the signs that is when God tosses your ass out into the wilderness and tells you to figure it out.

2010. I heard the warning bells but I didnt heed them. So I got tossed out on my ass.

2010 has been nothing short of tumultuous for me. It has by far been a fervent reminder that I am made of something stronger than my skin and bones; otherwise I would've been in pieces by now. Everything I once said I couldn't or didn't want to do, I am now doing. Its not easy. Its down right hard. I am by far at my most vulnerable, treading a course that I never would've plotted for myself. I'll admit, Im too prideful to turn back and sometimes I am too scared to move forward, but to uncomfortable to stay still. I am also too curious not to stay the course. When you are in your own wilderness, all you can do is trust in God and go the way (S)He will have you to go... even if it doesn't make much sense to you. And nothing I mean NOTHING made much sense this year, and as it comes to a close, the unmarked path I am treading makes even less sense, but there is no turning back. Sitting here this reflecting on this skin Im shedding in the darkest corners of rocks tucked out of plain view, I feel as if the worst is somehow behind me. My old skin is gone and my new roomier skin is toughening up. Im not comfortable, but Im growing stronger.

Feeling Kinda Weary

2010-11-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

For the last few months I have been giving myself the world's longest pep talk, but alas today I have grown weary. Though I keep the faith, my heart waivers, falters, and may possibly give out on me. I would assume that my darkest hour is upon me and that there is no where else to go but up from this point, or at least I hope; that is what the preacher prayed about when he prayed for me this past Sunday. How he knew where I was at that moment is beyond me; it had to have been God giving him comforting words to pass along to me, like He did a few Sundays back when the young minister said "the stability and success you seek is upon you; worry not." My flesh has taken on the mannerism of a staph infection, wielding up and causing discomfort out of the blue. Prayer serves as my antibiotic. Its a slow process but I am doing all I can to fight it. I just have to believe that on the other side of this moment is something utterly amazing, that indeed that stability I have been seeking since 2002 (when I purposely undid my world in search of) lies in wait of my triumphant arrival. Unlike most folks, I don't dream of fame or notoriety. I don't even dream of being wealthy. I dream of stability. Not stability found punching someone else's clock but stability in knowing that I am doing what I am designed to do... being a light in someone's world and that of my very own. But today at this very moment I am weary. Full of faith but weary.

What I am reading right now....

2010-10-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yes so, What In the Hell am I thinking?

2010-10-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

Around 2:30 Thursday afternoon, it occurred to me that I was in the midst of losing my ever-loving mind. As she agreed to let me share office space and refer clients, I heard myself get excited and agree to 'hang out my shingle', lawyer slang for going it alone.I beamed for about 48hrs straight but woke up this morning thinking can I really do this? Technically I can. The practice of law is just that, a practice. Sorry folks. Half the time we kinda sorta know what we are doing and the other half we are praying to the heavens above that we dont mess up enough to warrant a appearance before the Bar Disciplinary Committee. I have tried several cases in District Court, did a mediation, filed a few petitions, and drafted a few wills and advanced directives. I could legitimately hang my shingle and try my luck because I know with a little persistence I can do anything. Its just the thought of running a business that freaks me out. Suddenly I realise that everything that hangs in the balances actually rests on my efforts. I am finding that I have to decide what my legal philosophy will be, what my practice will encompass, business license, entity type, tax numbers, accounting, logos, marketing... I am getting a crash course in how to hold it all together. Aside from that aspect of it, I am having to believe and trust in my gut feeling, which says pretty firmly "you can do this... you really dont have a choice." The decks in the rational world or kinda stacked against me in some ways. I have little capital, little experience, and little notoriety BUT for every excuse that I proffer, God blocks my whining. He has provided free office space, clients for a variety of sources that seemingly all have family law problems, and a mentor who is a walking talking piece of civil rights and womens' rights history. At 71 Atty Fields-Smith is sharp as a tack and a wealth of knowledge. Her name alone makes me look more credible than I possibly

am. I say possibly because something tells me that I am giving myself far too little credit here. I have even had the AMAZING opportunity to get my name out there thru volunteering at the Mobile VLP. Those ladies have been awesome PR to the point where Ambassadors, mayors, and Senators know my name without me having to formally introduce myself. All arrows point towards success... Im just having to convince myself that what others see in me isnt a sham; its the truth. I am also having to convince myself that a few more weeks of little money is ok in the long run. I cant place it but something tells me that I will be busy busy busy here very shortly, and that this cash impaired-ness Im am feeling now will be but another notch on my belt, a ring in the tree of my wisdom. My spirit tells me this is destined to work. Now is the time and here is the place. I can run but I will be missing out on the blessing that is mine. This is what it was always supposed to be. Now only time and my dedication will tell how far this will go. Im thinking success is the only road, buckle down and tread it already.

Proverbs 22:29- Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men.

Brand Me

2010-10-26T19:16:00.001-07:00

About 2 months ago I challenged my friends to develop their own personal brand. We had seen how branding could make even the most Oafish individual a darling of the jet-set overnight. It had transformed wall flowers into media darlings (ask Lady Gaga), and the socially inept into need to know people. Branding was a must in order for any of us to get to that next level, to break the chains of "everyday average". So I asked them to put together their own personal brochure of me. I havent heard anything back from my girls on this; I can only assume that like me they are living the brand. Since tossing out such a challenge I have found myself on this whirlwind ride of sorts that has led to my brand in some ways forming itself. By that I dont mean that I have left my brand to the hands of fate. I have simply put myself out there naked- this is me, this is what I am about- and ask, how do I fit into the bigger picture. When introducing myself I tell folks that I am a native Mobilian/ Alabamian/ Gulf Coaster who cares a great deal about helping her city community and/or state excel and want to foster growth and success using my skills sets/ knowledge of policy/ law/ alternative dispute resolution/ philanthropy/ community economic development ( hey I like variety and being a well rounded person) to do so... how can I help? This is me. No pretense. No show. No pretext. Just me. My brand is simple- a caring person who is pretty much so willing to learn anything so that I can step up to help others across all sectors- a connector. There is no job too big or too small because you never know how the simplest thing may affect the biggest people or how the hardest thing can make life tremendously better for those who need it the most... or any combination of those. The point is that Im willing. I didnt realise that this had become my brand until this evening . My brand had formed itself and preceded me. This is not to say that my brand is anywhere near being completed. I still meet strangers who need for me to give them the 5 min elevator speech (which Im still perfecting) and folks who still need for me to show and prove. Thats perfectly ok because Im growing in the process. Im just glad that I recognized it and can continue to build on it. Brand me. Gotta love it...

Mini Saga 24 Oct 2010: Church

2010-10-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

I sat in the church and cringed with every word and began to wonder: When had Jesus, politics, and self righteous judgement become bedfellows? Where had the cornerstone of Love gone? Had we too refused Him? Do we remember what it means to be followers of Christ? Love above all.

The Mini Saga

2010-10-20T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am a blog addict. There I said it. I have a problem. I crave blogs; not just any blogs. I seek out blogs that inspire me to persevere, to strap on my attorney/mediator hat and keep it on. There are so many times when I want to give up and take the easy route but that little voice that says "do it differently than what you have been doing" keeps me from swan diving back into the world of nonprofit (there's no challenge there for me... it makes me lazy). BUT I digress. I love reading other people's blogs because they give me ideas. They feed my creativity. Whether its Lateral Action , Who is Jaimee Todd? or The 99%, I am constantly inspired to see my life situations differently, to approach them differently, to be creative in my approach. After all it is your ability to be creative that helps you standout... not a meat dress or diamond dentures *Kanye shrug*. For example, after countless hours of sifting through Lateral Action, my inner Pinky and the Brain mastermind surfaced and I devised a fiendish plan to take over the legal world here in Mobile and force people to mediate (well its not so fiendish. Its actually rather benevolent but crafty as hell). Through that sifting, my creative being bumped into my analytical alter ego and guess what? They actually like each other; they've been inseparable. They are constantly coming up with ideas to merge the writer and lawyer in me, corner a niche market, and help a few folks in the process (they refuse to save the world... they want to hold in the palms of their crafty little hands). I owe all this to my "blog hogging". Tonight I got another wonderful idea while blog hogging. I have been looking for a way to regain my succinctness in speech. I've been networking a lot lately and find that I have a hard time keeping my conversation on target while selling myself. I ramble and such is a sign of weakness in the legal community. If Im trying to plant my flag in on this moon then weakness has no place on this journey. I stumbled onto a wonderful little interactive blog chocked full of innovative ideas, my favorite being the mini saga. What's a min saga? According to Rajesh Setty,

"A mini saga is a story told in exactly 50 words—not 49 or 51 but in exactly 50 words."

The beauty of a mini saga is that it forces you to choose your words carefully, be creative, and above all else THINK! I figure it would help me master my sad pathetic elevator speech (which rambles much like my resume... gotta fix that too) and help me refine my networking skills. It can also serve as an excuse to stick to my "write something everyday" plan (sorry Charmel, the word-eating program didn't work. I figured out ways to outwit it). I can give you 50 words, but I will have to be clever and creative in order to tell a quick witted story in 50 words. So take this mini saga journey with me and also take the rest of this "honing my skills using creativity as my guide" journey with me as well. I think it would be neat if you shared a few f your mini sagas as I promise to share mine. Inspire me!

Here's an example of a mini saga... hope it inspires you too!

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What you consider as “sweeping the floors” may be a stepping stone towards something big…

Mini Saga #63 – Job

Ron was frustrated doing low-level jobs in his family business.
Every six months, his Dad would move him to another department.
It was like a long punishment.
That day, he wanted to give up. But an email from Dad was waiting, “Congratulations.
You are almost ready to take over.”

Taken from www.rajeshsetty.com. THANK YOU!

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War of My Life

2010-10-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

Kinda sums up how I am feeling at the moment...

If You Dont Miss It...

2010-10-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

"And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to"

-John Mayer "Clarity"

I read somewhere that Capricorns spend so much time hiding their true selves from others that often times they dont even know who they are. This piqued my curiosity. Did I truly know myself? I thought back to the many times I found myself out of my element, doing things that I couldnt justify, saying things that didnt reconcile with my internal voice, galavanting with people who I wasnt quite sure how we had managed to become acquaintances in the first place. I thought about how many times I had expressed a thought that I had long held, but people seemed shocked by my sentiment, gasping as if I had been momentarily possessed, my words not my own. I recalled the countless hours in department stores, searching for the perfect pair of shoes, ones that reflected my real taste and style, only to find once I got them home I hated them with a passion uncontested. I relived the many incarnations of me ( 3 within the last week) and marveled at the polarity of each. I'd many times over the years joked that I was a walking dichotomy of sorts; polar opposites residing in the same body and spirit, but truth be told, its not a joke. I am a true Capricorn; a mystical enigma of personalities that somehow coexist in a muddled harmony, but... who was I at my core? I had spend a lifetime listening to people telling me who they thought I was, accepting their opinions as truth, bending to fit the mold of the moment. Rarely had I stretched all the way out and allowed myself to experience every idiosyncrasy, contradiction, syncopation that created the rhythm in my bones; a rhythm that sets the pace of my stride, the flow of my blood, the dance of my thoughts. I hear it, but I rarely allowed all of me to fall helplessly into it. I was also a victim not only of my zodiac sign but also of my birth order- oldest children are always doomed to be a wearer of many hats no matter how unflattering. I just wanted one hat. My hat. So keeping true to my latest trend of dissolving, I decided a self imposed isolation was long overdue. I needed a moment to figure out what my limits were, what I liked, what I despised, what I could live without, what I couldn't live without. I needed a moment to reclaim myself. There would be no outings with friends who pried their way into your inner sanctum, or at least tried to, to understand you; I needed to understand myself. No pep talks exclaiming how wonderful you are; I needed to reach that conclusion on my own. No google chat because frankly I didnt want to hear about whether to buy the $600 Louboutins or the $595 Jimmy Choos, and I needed to decide whether I ever wanted to hear it or any conversation akin to it again. I cancelled all my lunch appointments because I needed to be able to eat on my own and take in my own company. I wouldnt volunteer for another board or 'save the world' venture because my own world needed saving; I needed to volunteer for my own cause. I needed to know what my cause is. There would be no road trips. If Jesus wasnt at my destination point then I didnt need to be on that journey. I had thought about all the countless trips but no one had ever come to me or even met me halfway, but I'd allowed to be so. No more. I needed to appreciate what I have, where I am, who I am... all on my own. If I knew this then I would know what to add back and what to let alone. If I didnt miss it, I didnt need it. I had grown tired of the frienemies, the suspect conversations, feelings of imposition, bending to the point of breaking. I could do without a lot of it. I was looking for the fabled El Dorado known as the 'simple kind of life'. I'd had enough of the distractions and the distractors.

So... I am rejoining this post after a few months of letting it linger...

Have I found my City of Gold? Not quite but the trek has mad me stronger. Some people places and things I found no longer fit, and I am still finding that the deeper into jungle of self I tread the less I need. I no longer need people to define me because I am having a smashing time defining myself, and it has nothing to do with outside accoutrements. Its all internal. Im a bit older and a bit wiser. I have a few less friends, a few less possessions but I have a real path set out before me now, and that feels good... really good.

Moments

2010-10-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

Rarely do I share my prayers with anyone. Like birthday candles wishes, I plan my words on wings of hope, but unlike them, they glide on the winds of faith not whimsy. However tonight words found me at the right time and place. I found myself simply thanking God for the moments in life... good and bad, for they all belong to God, pieces of a bigger plan. Understanding that each moment whether, coalescing or standing alone, presented unyielding opportunity; opportunities to love, share, and make right your wrongs. Moments that allow us to learn and grow; to reflect, to genuflect, to fail, to recover... to be. God doesn't owe us these moments; its is by grace that we are allowed to witness and receive them. So on today I am grateful for the moments...

Remembering to Stay Humble

2010-10-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

A friend on Twitter (and yes I know this person for real for real) partakes in a daily exercise that I have long admired but oddly never tried. In a bold act of defiance in the face of a cruel hard world, she posts 5 things for which she is grateful. No matter how hard her day, no matter how stupid and fucked up the people around her seem to be, she finds beauty in the details of life and expresses them via Twitter. I think that is pretty brave. So I am going to jack her practice simply because I know that as I risk more, life will hurl more curves back at me, and I need to remember "why" (why I am, that is.) at all times. I need to be reminded that even if my client is silently killing me with her eyes, or I'm down to my last $5 and my gas tank is almost on 'E' that there is always something good in this world; that there is always and will always be something for which you should genuflect and pay gratitude. Show God that we really do get it. SO without further adieu...

10/5 With Gratitude:

1. I am grateful for the change of season. I live for fall and the spirit of 'release' it brings. It seems like everything that has been a burden or a worry throughout the year ceases to matter. I am fully enamored with nature and being one with it.

2. I am grateful for the ladies at the Mobile VLP. This transition has not been the easiest, and at times I kinda felt like a lump of useless flesh that just happened to have Esquire behind her name. Ari, Blakely, Susan, and Jodi have reminded me that as long as people have problems that there will always be a need for a compassionate attorney who does what she does just because she knows its the right thing to do. Its like they are guardian angels keeping me on track.

3. I am grateful for my straight hair... my baby sister says it lends youth to my appearances and makes me much more approachable. My scalp feels lighter too. Twists are convenient and fun but thats my summer style... fall beckons for wispy free flowing locks.

4. I am grateful that my sister will have the baby shower she dreamed of. The role of the oldest sister never stops; it just evolves. No matter how old your siblings get, you still feel the need to watch over them and give them what their heart desires... its a show of unconditional love, love with which my new nephew will be showered.

5. I am grateful for the new Kings of Leon song "Radioactive". It feels good, sounds good, and has me holding a mini-concert, complete with air guitar and imaginary mic, in my car at red lights once again!

Per Gratia...

All of my friends...

2010-10-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

I have always loved this song... since my friends are mostly scattered to the four corners of the earth and I am here in my own lil spot making due, I decided to post this. To my beautiful resilient friends who persevere and exemplify grace in gravity...

September ....Simple.

2010-10-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

"Its in the water, Its in the story of where you came from
Your sons and daughters in all their glory its gonna save her
And when they crash and come together, and start rising
Just drink the water where you came from, where you came from"

-"Radioactive" Kings of Leon (2010)

I somehow managed to let the entire month of September pass me by without posting not even a hello. So much has transpired that has left me completely turned around and standing on my spinning head. I have always said that when God wants you to do something (S)He will let you wander all over the place, getting banged up and bruised, then pick you up, dust you off, put you back where you were, and ask "Are you ready to try this my way now?" Well after much writing about allowing God to have Her/His way I decided to just do it and see what happens. Well what had happen was a major shift. I have had to let go of 5 years worth of work to shift back to my original plans: to be a kick-ass attorney here in Mobile. To finally be honest with myself, I love Mobile in all of its quiet, non-flashy, slow, monotony. It may not be some big metropolis bustling with incessant activity but I am not someone who is always looking for my next escapade; I like stillness. I find joy in simply things like farmer's markets and being able to go to the beach during the winter months. I am a reflection of my home... quiet, simple, but intriguing if you look close enough. I also love my state. Its backwards and about 20 years behind the times, but its beautiful and full of character that I cant get elsewhere. As long as I can hop a flight when I need a moment, I am cool with Mobile, Alabama. I am also committed to making my home the best it can be. If everyone leaves, it never changes, never progresses. I think my progressive mind, though undervalued and misunderstood oft times, can find room to grow in tremendous ways if I give it room and let it. Mobile is like an almost blank canvas; I can paint my own picture if I so choose. Successful people find success where they are. They don't have to go looking for it; they create it. I'm in a pretty creative mood lately. In the last month I have been able to see the world around me in a different light than before, but I guess that is what happens when you let go of things that have been clouding your view. As to rechristening myself an attorney, that took some deep soul searching. I am going to admit that I am pretty tired of this "save the world" mentality that I picked up somewhere along the way. I care but anyone who has known me for the 30 years I've been in existence know that this isn't me. I am no Gandhi. I'm more like Gandhi' s friend from law school who agreed to bail him out and represent him when he got drug off to jail for civil disobedience. I know my element now, and I have to be true to myself by sticking to it. Im no "radical" in the traditional sense; I think the world is full of people trying too damn hard to be radical. This in turn creates this oddball society of individualism that we now live in. Its tiring. I am just a person who is acknowledging what she has to offer the world and offering it, straight no chaser. I realised a while back- maybe a year ago or so- that getting back to things we have strayed so far away from, is my path. Im simple. I just want to try cases, mediate more than I litigate, go home knowing that one someone benefited from my effort for the day. I also want a home life that isn't consumed with the air of struggle. For 5 years I haven't been able to cut off my work from my personal life, but today I can try a case, go home and never open my mouth about it. And before you say it purposeful ignorance, its not. Its self preservation, balance, and using the light that God gave me in a way that allows for it to shine a longer and brighter. The last five years have been akin to a series of explosive fire works that have left me burnt out and forgotten, evanescent.

I have spent September correcting wrongs, discarding long expired relationships,... fixing me. I have hit the reset button on life. I have rediscovered my why and it has nothing to do with saving a world that is temporal and temporary. It has nothing to do with running off to a bigger flashier city to recreate life. It has nothing to do with branding myself. It has everything to do with just being myself. I havent been that good at it in the past but I can see where I have room to work at it, right here, in this physical space at this very moment. So pardon my absence in September... I was pretty busy.

Lie Down

2010-08-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

Almost a year ago I was sitting exactly where I am sitting now with the same group of women... doing pretty much the same thing. Them planning. Me pondering the purpose, searching for the meaning... acknowledging that there isn't a plan and that is ok. There is still no plan and it its yet still ok. I do not have a vision board, a cohesive personal mission statement, or a 5 year course of action. Yesterday I felt kinda put off by that; today God gave me a word that confirmed yet again no matter how much I "plot" my course in life, (S)He is always in control. So in essence its still ok. Im going to keep this short. Its summed up in Psalm 23 (reread it with new eyes). If you just let God lay you down in green pastures, trusting that all you will ever need is in him, life is so much easier. No strategy, plan, vision board or thought path is greater than what God places in my heart. Ok I'm going back to my Sunday.

The Lovers...

2010-08-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today has certainly been one of those days that leaves me painfully confused and utterly aware of the current state of my tepid existence. It was neither a good day nor a bad which much like those quirky little mathematical equations, if multiplied, usually means the sum of the negative is greater than that of the positive. Brain freezes, moments of dementia and blank mental slates, weird thoughts of cursing clients out over the phone just because I can, and the much dreaded pep talk of " I will not cry, I. WILL. NOT. CRY... No. wait WHY, am I crying again?" Denial couldn't give me an answer to that question; he just looked away, pretended not to see.

Confused... listen closely, this the tricky part:

Lets us begin at the begin. You see my lovers Denial and Why do not get along. Denial doesn't understand the need to ask Why and if you are asking Why then Denial has no place in the conversation because that makes room for Lies to jump in; and NO ONE, except, Satan himself, likes Lies. But she is another story for another time when I'm in a more jovial disposition. Why is my true love; whereas Denial is a relationship of horrid convenience, spring up like cheap wine, leaving you intoxicated, making your forget about Why. Denial isn't really good for me; he's just a good time. But Why is my lifelong soulmate; the bough to my sail, the wind to my wings, the wasabi to my soy sauce... he's necessary. He has explained away a many a mystery, and forced me to get to do away with the exorbitantly sweet, sticky fluff of life. He has chased off the weak and fended me from the foolish. He has been that friend that never fails me. Everyone doesn't like Why. My parents hated him, earlier on in our relationship. He sprung up in the most awkward and inappropriate of times, causing flushed faces, unamused waving of large adult hands, and snappish responses of "GO read a book!". Had it not been for Why I probably wouldn't be the rambling vault of random human knowledge, encompassing the everything from the minutiae to the mundane, that I am now. Why brought me closer to God and was kind enough to step away to allow God and I some intimacy. He understood that God and I had a different kind of relationship that needed room to grow. Why is the primary reason I make the choices I make in life. I wanted to be pregnant with knowledge and well, lets just say that I got carelessly lost in Why and gave birth to words, thoughts, creations, and suppositions of fancy. Why has been my ceaseless advocate, stopping would be slick wordsmiths dead in their tracks. They couldn't handle Why or the fact that I needed to know Why. Denial couldn't see it either. He despised Why. I would surmise that Denial was jealous or at least related to jealous for they always seemed to show up at right about the same time. Again Jealous is another story, one I actually to which I cannot provide much clarity or insight. But Denial, he saw the house burning down around you but kept you so wrapped up in his inane chatter that you couldn't feel the flicker of fanning flames or smell the scent of your own flesh crisping. Denial made you think he was all about you but actually it was more about you being some part of him. You were only a part of the sum which made him king of his own little misguided universe and it was all about the sum of the whole. You failed to pay attention to those "minor" details, the fleeting warning signs that urged you to get away, preferring rather to linger in a sweet yet salacious falsity of the whole, forgetting about time or care with Denial. Denial had me doing crazy twisted things that made no sense, not even to myself but because I wasn't not speaking to Why ( apparently he had led me to some truth that I didn't want to see... enter Denial) I had no moral compass, no coffee to sober me up. Denial and I have been on a collision course for the record books. Blindly stumbling thru life, doing stuff just because I could... forgetting my obligation, my oath, my allegiance to Why... So I never asked him. I just live in the grand state of Denial, moving forward at break neck speed towards my own destruction.

But today...

I suddenly missed Why. I had not spoken his name, and it left a dark dry dusty rattling in my bones, causing my ribs to dangle empty because my heart had been misplaced. I had ached for so long, I couldn't remember Why. As I sat behind the steering wheel of my car, waiting at a infinitely long red light, Why slipped into the passenger seat, slid close enough to where I could taste his breath and allowed me to breathe him in. I inhaled for what seemed like an eternity, never wanting to lose the need to seek Why. "Why", I asked, "am I crying?" "Yes", he replied, "but only because you're no longer wrapped up in Denial". I looked up into my rearview mirror, catching one last glimpse of Denial's face, and like a thief in the night, he vanished without a word...

Dissolve

2010-08-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

"break it down again.
no more sleepy dreaming.
no more building up.
it is time to dissolve."

-Break It Down Again (1993) Tears for Fears

I have been thinking a lot about the need to build things on a proper foundation and more so if things are on a faulty foundation or a foundation not strong enough to bear the burden which you have place upon it, to begin about the process of "dissolution". And by dissolution I mean basically seeing what needs to be torn down, disconnected, undone, so that you can build them anew, that is if they should even be rebuilt... like Solomon's Temple, some things are better destroyed and left alone. "Dissolve" has been following me around like a shadow. I cant escape it. I everything that I have seen, tasted, felt, experienced for the last week, I have been either thinking about the beauty of its simplicity or thinking of how sweet it would be if I could have every element in its own way, separate and apart. I think I am a deconstructionist by birth, though. I have never like "multi tasking" or sensory overload of any kind; hell, for a long time I would systematically take apart candy bars and pizzas, savoring each ingredient on its own ( imagine, a Snickers bar deconstructed, yes I can do that). Killing 2 or more birds with one stone has never been my shtick. I feel like you miss so much when its all thrown at you at once. So I've spent my life dissecting things, breaking them down in to digestible parts so that I could feel every emotion, ever moment, every sensation on its own. As I have matured this insatiable almost innate need to be elemental has spilled over into the way I look at my life. I often times feel overburdened by layers upon layers of utter inane complexity, feeling like I am missing the meaning. I cant see the damn tree for the glut of the forest most times, and the thing is I NEED to see the tree. I need to see the base of it all. I awoke the other morning like have on many occasions asking "why am I doing this again?" or as the old Mountain Dew commercial asked "What is my motivation?" If I cant remember why I a doing this in the first place, or I am unable to dissolve the matter to get to the root, then I simply stop doing it. Sadly as an adult, we cant just stop doing things just because we don't remember why we are doing them in the first place... or can we? I say we can or rather I say that I can, as I refuse to speak for the rest of you. You wont blame your loss of job or significant other on me. I personally am at a serious stopping point. I have hit a kind of "dead end", like coming to the event horizon. And I don't know if you know anything about event horizons, but they surround black holes and once you cross them, your existence changes but oddly enough anyone observing would miss it. I feel like if I don't stop now, I will be sucked into a point of no return... lost forever, but you wont notice, much like most haven't notice this slow steady pull towards the abyss where want, expectation, and true desire converge in a dark sticky mix. So I have decided to bring my life to a screeching halt. Yes folks, I can simply stop. As a matter of fact I have been on pause all summer long. Dissolving. I have technically been in the mental stages of it. Undoing the pangs and beastly manifestation of perception... she is such a bitch, perception. Perception often time seduces truth rendering the seeker of such blinded by a lie. She is so cunning that most times my perception of myself has clouded my own truth and seriously, who in the hell knows me better than me? Apparently perception, huh? (and laugh) Moving right along, I have been slowly putting her back in her rightful place. Perception is a defense mechanism to help us get to the truth. Get lazy and she takes over and truth is lost. As my favorite Dionne Farris song says "Perception isn't queen of the world/ she's just a girl telling you what you think you see when you're looking at me." So I have been dissolving her conniving death grip. In doing so I have been given a green light to just be. When I started this process of dissolution it was primarily to dissolve the ties between my occupation and my self worth, i.e., I am not a lawyer but rather I practice law among many other things... if that makes sense. Some of you wont get it and that's OK. I wanted to experience life sans one label. I wanted to define my work and not let it define me. Needless to say, this has been the longest, hardest three months of my life but by far the most rewarding. I am understanding that in this rebuilding process, how I approach this aspect of my life, need not be linear. I much prefer my life run in a series of compartmentalizes cycles. It just makes more sense to me. I picture myself as a set of well oiled cyclical gears moving in divine synchronicity. Coexisting in harmony, free from build up of nonsense, functioning as they should. Would I recommend "self dissolution" for everyone? Yes indeed I would. Take a sabbatical, longer than your 2 week vacation. Stop and seriously think about your life and how it has played out thus far. Look at it this way, if your life were made into a movie, would you see it twice? If your life script reads like "Precious" or even "Pootie Tang" then, you my friend, need to do some self dissolution. Its not easy, but at some point we have to regain grasp of the basics in order to remember why we are moving forward, and if we are moving in the right direction. If you arent, its okay to just stop... no more building up... it is time to dissolve.

Im Still Here...

2010-06-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

I havent posted in several lunar cycles, primarily because my life has been a dry riverbed of confused sentiment; been waiting on a rainy season of thought. Waiting for a wave of emotion to sweep thru my dry bones and reignite that white hot passion for expression. Just a fancy way of saying that the events in my life havent moved in me in a long time. I've seen jobs come and go, people get befriended and de-friended, foes forced out and flushed away, Ive grown like a tree and for some the way things transpired should have driven my pen to paper with lighting speed... but for me, its just a recurring cycle in my life. The places may change and the players may be different but my life hasnt seen any little surprises in a long time. I remember the thrill of getting into law school and the deep depression that followed graduation. I remember crying in the lobby of my loft building at the mailboxes because I had passed the bar. I remember the first time he smiled at me; conversely I remember the first time he ignored me. I remember the times that made me vomit words in a hot fury of excitement, anger, and pain. I remember seeing NYC for the first time and getting eaten alive by its blistering February cold... this drove me to a fit of writer's excitement, but meeting yet another elected official or going an another fellowship trip has just worn me out. I sat on the waters of Lake Champlain begging myself to capture this moment in word, to memorialize the feeling of freedom while floating on its expanse, but something in me couldnt. All I could do is feel it... for the first time there were no words accessible...just a feeling. I had started to fear that God had gotten angry with me, and taken my words. I had seen God take unappreciated gifts from people numerous times or threaten the likes, so that we could remember that our mere existence is an miraculous gift. I, being no different that the dancer that has abused her body with careless eating and drinking, had abused my gift of stream of consciousness, wounded my word play, gouged out my gab-tastic mellifluousness on petty angry versus in the guise of a pitiful journal full of woe is me nonsense. I had used my words to whine incessantly about nothing, and as such things ceased to matter... and if they failed to matter, they didnt excite me to words. I had let he world infiltrate the one thing that connects me to God in a sacrificial way; I had put on an air-tight lid and created my own profane words; words with little merit or meaning. So in hindsight, it wasnt that there was a lack of spark to ignite the flame of life in the manifestation of word. For me I had cut off my oxygen.By trying to protect my feelings I had disconnected from my source in a very blasphemous way Now feeling empty, longing to feel some kind of way about the world around me; longing to translate that feeling in words, sweet beautiful necessary words, I had hurled my own self against the spiritual concrete of life so that I may be broken once more. Unsealed to the wellspring of writing... I have a lot to say, and in the grand scheme of things, so little time to say it all... you only have once chance, one moment to let your light shine however that may be. For me its writing...so as long as I am here, I chose to be a broken vessel to words. A scribe , recording the wonders around me.

What's The Plan Man?

2009-11-08T06:53:00.000-08:00

So after failing to get a job for which I was more than a certain candidate, my sister circle decided that we needed a weekend out by the lake to devise a plan. What kind of plan, well on a personal level a plan B for me and a universal plan to become wealthy. I was all gung ho about all of this until I got here and we started talking about ways to get rich and other "devise and conquer" tactics. Its not that I am against any of this because I truly believe that a sister with a plan is a dangerous weapon to reckoned with, but something in my spirit hit me. I suddenly decided that planning for me made no sense. I had spent my entire life planning. I planned to go to law school, I planned to live in Birmingham for 5 years; I planned to be a lobbyist, I planned to get out of Montgomery and move back to Mobile, where I planned to practice fair housing law. All my plans have come to fruition but none of it made me happy of left me fulfilled. So this got me to thinking that maybe planning isnt the best way to go at the moment, at least not where my life is concerned. Sometimes I believe it just best to go with the experiences and see where they take you. Take for instance the aforementioned job, I had planned out the next 3 years of my life around this job. Yeah it was a bountiful cornucopia of rich experiences, theoretically. I had planned to move to NOLA, rent a fly loft, pay off my car, write a book, travel, and become world renowned as a "community leader" who transcended the barriers of my community. Move over Majora Carter; I had next. Well apparently this isnt the vehicle for "next", but I had planned for it to be, and sadly when it didnt happen it left me in a 72hr hold of a tailspin. I havent to answer the ubiquitous question "So Simone, whats next? Whats your plan B?" Well I thought I had one but I noticed that it changed daily. First I was off to the Nirvana of the West, San Francisco. I had not a true clue what I would do out there but, by God that is where I was going to start a new.... in a bad economy,... with no job... and few resources. So the plan changed a bit, I decided that I would move into the suburbs of SF, Berkeley and enroll myself in UC Berkley's Urban and Regional Planning program; spend this month studying for the GRE, take it Dec 1st, and send my application in. Of course I was going to score so high on the GRE that they were going to give me all kinds of fellowships and scholarships and my financial situation would be ok. While all this is doable, my gut says no. I see that as instructions from the Source that feeds me. This isnt where I wil have you go or how I will have you get there. So the plan mutated again. I planned to move to NOLA anyway. I had enough skills and contacts to land a job and be ok. Nevermind that my new gig was based in Atlanta. I kinda sorta didnt want to move to Atlanta, and at the moment, my friends and family were playing "passed the Simone", so I didnt feel wanted there. But at the same time I didnt get a sense that moving to NOLA would be the best decision either. So where was I to go...see even the best laid plans havent exactly worked for me, and even when they did I still found myself looking for something more. So this morning when asked about my plans, I sidestepped the question. Today I no longer have a plan. I dont see the need for one at the moment. Maybe my plans arent big enough? Maybe my plans arent tailored enough to where God will have me to go? I dunno anymore but today I dont feel as if a plan is necessary. Today I just want to see where the rugged terrain of my existence takes me. I trust that God will guide me to the peaks and valleys I need to tread in order to grow and mature properly. That (S)He wont let me perish in the falls that I will surely encounter; I wont hit the ground lest it be on my feet, sure footed. For this experience I need no plan, just the ability to hear God when (S)He speaks to me, the obedience to follow those guiding words, and the willfulness to move... that is all the planning necessary...

The Way Out is To Dive In...

2009-09-25T14:56:00.001-07:00

So for the last month or so I have been plagued with the beastly little demons of uncertainty. They tie up my days so much so that I have fallen into a routine of utter nothingness. Some days I find myself still asleep at almost noon and others I rush out of bed into a waltz of work, home, work and turn. I use the constant excuse of "Im planning" or "plotting my course" but the absolute truth is that it has been easier to do nothing than it has been to do something. The determination of with which despair I choose to be ensconced is usually left up to how much worrying I did the night before. If I worried about my future in terms of career, I will usually get up the next morning and attempt some level of productivity ( not to be confused with creativity, that of which I seem to have misplaced somewhere in one of the many boxes which hold the other minutia of my life); attend a meeting, be engaging on a conference call, or read to enhance my knowledge base. On the other hand if I worried about this disarray of little balls of chaos that happens to be my personal life, well getting out of the bed is an uphill climb. Sometimes its as if the sheet have tiny hand-like cilia holding me captive between my covers. This only makes my Sisyphus-like existence all the more arduous when I realise that I am alone in my bed and have been for quite some time. That's usually when I get up and mope around the house in my PJs, looking out the window at a world that seems to be moving without me. What is most pathetic about this existence is that it is an environment, a microcosms if you will, is that it is clearly one of my own doing. I often ask myself, how much longer will you drag your heels in this march into independent freestanding freethinking adulthood? What is the fear that has been holding you trapped, pulling cards from the community chest in hopes that you will luck up on the one that says "advance to Go; Collect $200"? To keep the analogy going, I have a fear of landing on Boardwalk with the money to buy it and build on it.... ok in lame terms: I have a fear of diving in and being covered in life, whether it be by sinking or swimming. Clear this vain diva of a me doesnt like to get her hair wet, metaphorically speaking. But I also don't like being left all alone at the shore playing footsie with the lapping waves. I just left the office of a friend who serves as an ED of an amazing environmental organization here in AL, and she says to me "Simone, I am just now gaining my confidence." The look on her face read "I'm gaining it as I am forced to reconcile with the tides that I come up against." I sat there listening to her, thinking, "what have I to lose?"...at this point nothing but my mind which by the way is slow sailing away in another boat anyhow. I figure if I dive in I can at least swim closer to it... maybe catch up with it and reunite on the bough of that boat? I had a very labor-intensive discussion with my sister last night which led me to the conclusion that if I never jump in head first free falling then all the opportunities that God has afforded me will be postponed and ultimately missed. As I sit here at the bookstore sipping my Chai Tea Latte, people watching in the early fall afternoon of Birmingham, eavesdropping on the conversation the barista is having with a cute young blond girl, I cant help but to think how many people have missed out on life's greatest gifts because they have failed to dive in? I fancy the wiry thin quirky little barista and his conversation with the blond because he put himself out there sink or swim to flirt with this girl who clearly isn't interested in him. It hasn't broken his stride. Maybe the same holds true for me, if I jump in sink or swim, it doesn't really matter the outcome but rather the fact that I found a way out of my shadows by diving into life.... just a simple thought.

Did Simplicity Kill Beauty?

2009-05-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning while doing some light reading before work, I was deeply drawn in by the the author's presupposition that we as Christians have been subconsciously taught to relegate Christ and the principles of living a Christ-like life to a system of bullet points and formulas smashed within the confines of science and human logic. He contends that because our understanding has been limited to what is easily perceptible that we are missing out on the magic which he defines as relational. As I read this I couldnt help but to think that maybe this isnt insular to our walks with Jesus or our God but rather we live in a what I have abjectly dubbed "the precis society". In the 10th grade, one of my favorite English teachers, Stella Hester, sent my verbose mind reeling when she introduced the class to the concept known as the precis. I remember vividly her warnings that to get to the heart of a good precis that we needed only to get to the heart of the matter...leave out the details. Well if you know me the details are the fabric of my life. They add color spice, flavor, nuance to an otherwise conformist existence. So when I had to write mine about something involving cows ( I do remember that much), I found this terribly hard. I just couldnt leave out seemingly minor details about the pattern on the cow's back or the plaid in the farmer's shirt. To me this is what connected the reader to the story. It established the much needed relationship between the reader, the writer, and the subject matter. People I have understood this holy trinity of writing since elementary school. If there is no divine triumvirate between these parties then what you have is just words on a page... a precis. Life isnt much different. I look at all of the self help, self improvement, how to's to life books while wandering the isle of the bookstore on my weekly visit and I am forced to think about how we have whittled this life down to a series of steps; 10 steps to joy, 101 steps to a happier you, 5 steps to the love of your life, 25 policy recommendations for a better world. I am no saint. I have read these books; I have spent the last 3 years of my life narrowing things down to a 5 minute soliloquy ( and I call it such because most times I feel as if I say these things to validate my existence as an expert in a chosen field...it has nothing to do with change contrary to popular belief) of policy recommendations, most times leaving out the relational aspects of life. I am paid to do this. We are taught to do this. Look at Mrs. Hester. I know she meant well when she handed me that C- (I was a straight A+ student in English and Literature.. words move and consume me), but I know she knew better than to assume that I would drop the details; however as life has progressed in the 14 years since I have subconsciously bought into this culture too. That is until recently. As I read Miller's concept, I started to think about how life would be so much more rich and colorful if we stopped trying to fit things into our little boxes of understanding. When it is just enough to live life an fall in love naturally? When it is just enough to choose to be happy and not have to break joy down into a scientific theory of being high on hormones or reactions to external stimuli? When it is enough to just trust that there is a God who loves you and wants nothing more than for you to be an example of that Love. Not some pompous show of religiosity but a person who is so in Love with the existence of a God that it radiates without explanation? When will it ever be enough for us to just accept the mysterious and let it be? I think of music and art and how there is no real explanation for the beauty in the sounds or the strokes of the brush... it just is. But yet and still we will paint Picasso by number in an attempt to capture what we think is the essence of "Sunflowers" never acknowledging the man and his connection with something otherworldly, divine. Yet and still we learn to recreate "Furlise" by mimicking sheet music, never ever capturing the passion that Beethoven had for his symphony... we disregard the man. How often do we disregard the man? I look at my friends who reside in the uber-precis world of policy and despite what we may perceive as noble and human-minded, we fall short every time because there is no relational value in asking a Congress person to consider 3 policy recommendations. As I closed the chapter and got ready for today, I started to think heavily on what how Miller's supposition and how I had personally be affected by this precis society in which I dwell. I think of the social networking sites. We live in the age of Twitter and Facebook and falsely believe that by updating and taking "personal" quizzes that we are giving the world a glimpse into who we are thereby building a pretext of relationship. But I know for a fact that we dont know people we follow and call friends for real. They are just a photo, a favorite quote, a status but not a full person. We have in essence relegated our own personal beings down to a page, down to a few meaningless words. Is this the future? A full blown disconnect because despite the hype that is being shoveled down our ever insatiable throats, we arent more connected by instant modes of communication; we are severely disconnected. We live in a world where flowery hand-written letters conveying full emotion is dead. I recently asked on my facebook status how friends would feel if I stopped sending emails and text messages and instead revived the fine art of letter writing via snail mail... only 5 people thought that my sincerity was admirable. It left me with 3 questions:

1. out of the 300+ people I call friend only 5 truly understand my romantic nature?
2. out of the 300+ people I call friend only 5 pay attention to my status when I am being most sincere?
3. out of the 300+ people I call friend who will be my friend tomorrow?

All 3 relational questions.

I am a little jaded when it comes to human beings remembering that its the relational connection that means so much more than plastering a false smile on your face in a show of joy or wearing a skirt you dont feel comfortable in, in order to attract the man who willl love you. I dont think we know any better. When I sit in church on Sundays and the sermons outlines God's words in 5 -10 steps my heart and my head hurts. Not in physical pain but in an inexplicable otherworldly pain... Jesus didnt die in a series of steps only to be resurrected by number so that he could outline 3 policy recommendation for living a so called purpose driven life... no! He died because he Loves us...its just that simple, and its not that simple. We should live so that we can Love...stop dissecting life into chronological bite size pieces... when we cut the cake up , it kills the beauty. I will be the first to admit that my life could've and would've been a whole lot different if I hadn't drank the Kool-aid. I was born an emotional being craving a deeper connection but by the time the 5th grade rolled around I threw that part of myself overboard, and I will honestly and blithely admit that I have been on a quest to get it back. This good intention has manifested in a series of missteps, broken-heartedness, and semi-bitterness but that is only because I didnt realize that it there were no steps to recovering it. There is no how to book or series of policy ideals that can help a person resume the beauty that is relational. Its personal, its mystical, its simple and not so simple, and before you label me as off, its in all of us. Its why we are in constant search of acceptance in one form or another. There is a beauty in the mystical undefinable parts of our soul... I think that its absolutely necessary that we stop discounting it or more so that we stop putting it into small decorative boxes and tying neat little bows on them...it doesnt need that... it has an ethereal beauty all its own.

Acts of Intention

2009-01-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

I formulated a series of lighthearted New Year's resolutions a few weeks ago and true enough it is all in fun. I have however post New Mexico started to think seriously about what my life is supposed to look like. My twenties have slipped thru my fingers and my youth is cutting its apron strings with each passing day; however I truly believe that the best part of my life is about to start. In order to harness the power that I feel with each passing day I have decided that my one big goal for the year, and one that i hope will become second nature for me, is to act, love, speak, and feel with intention. Most times we live our lives being reactionary, not knowing from one day to the next what motivates us, but I feel like that is the one thing that we have been warned against; living the unexamined life. We dont have to be over-analytical or live in our heads to live an examined life. We can focus on intentions and know who and what we are. Well I can; I cant tell you how to live your life. I have long felt like my twenties were one big blur full of missteps, mishaps, and mistakes, and a lot of that stems from being reactionary instead of proactive. I think a lot of this has to do with running away from instead of embracing my strengthen and essence. We are all powerful beings in different ways; i just didnt know how to reside in my own. This morning I realise that its just a matter of opening my hands and asking God to bless me. Bless me in such a way that I can step into my power without hesitation. It hasnt been easy but I am finding it harder to ignore it as of late. Its like a fire that erupts through my bones and forces its way into my blood. It consumes me and the only way to contain it is to act with intention. I didnt know this before but now I understand that God is holding me accountable. To be reactionary allows me to blame others, but being intentional requires me to own up to what emanates from within me. It also allows me to be passionate about every movement I make. I cant act just for the sake of acting; I must act with the fire in my belly and the fervor in my soul. This may mean intentional silence or intentional radical action (yes that includes just packing up and going on trips to revive the soul) or even intentionally throwing caution to the wind...I dont know, but what I do know is that it will be with so that I can truly feel the life that I live. I want to swim in the intensity of purposefully being. Hopefully it will culminate in a whole lot of writing....even that book which now has taken shape in the form of 12 chapters...12 deliciously intentional chapters at that! Im excited about this intentional life... its going to be the release that I have been craving.

Notes on Being Strung Along

2009-01-04T05:52:00.000-08:00

I am trying to read your mind
You are going to break my heart
You are stringing me along
And this is better after all
Yeah this is better after all
It's better after all

"Better After All"-Jonatha Brooke

I awoke this morning with a strange urge to write about being strung along, but as I sit here writing this blog at what for me is an ungodly hour I am finding that the words arent coming as easily as they had been when I was lying in the dark. I reason when its just you and darkness, you are forced to reckon with the truth. I usually awake with a song in my head and all I could hear is Jonatha Brooke sadly sing with an uneasy resolve "you are stringing me along". I have a hard time with the idea of "stringing along". It is a form of lying, a pathetic show of cowardice, and an easy way to make me disgusted with you. I have watched men string women along and vice versa and I can truly say that it doesnt matter who is on what end of the string, IT SUCKS! As much as I dont like the person doing the stringing I dont care much for the person who is getting strung. At what point do you stop letting someone take advantage of you? I have been on both ends of that string and neither feels really good. So I am baffled at folks who seemingly assume either role with ease. I actually think that I feel sorry for the person doing the string simply because they really have to demean others to give their life any semblance of meaning. Seeing a person grovel for your attention makes you feel manly, womanly, desirable? That shit is sick and so is that person. Get some help! But the person being strung along....I get sick to my stomach with them. You are an enabler of cowardice, lying, and insidious deceit. You give that person the okay to commit this heinous selfish act again and again. Stop! I have listened to countless tales of friends who ultimately knew what was up and continued to play the mind games. They whined about him or her being too busy, being too vague, being an asshole. Want to check him or her on all that? Dont argue with them, just bounce without notice. Dont argue, dont fight, dont beg and dont barter. Know that you arent at the sicko in this situation. My mom always said, "When you find a fool, leave them the a fool." and stringers along are ultimately fools. I know all of this is easier said than done because sadly we sometimes really really like these fools but I cant help but to think that life would be so much easier if we could muster up the will power to walk away the first time they exhibit signs of instability. Laugh with them as they start to crack unsettling jokes but at the same time start slowly backing away. I may be biased but I think men need to play this game more than women. Call me a fiery feminist, but men are weak. I dont know if it is because they are socialized to not deal well with emotions and relationships or if machismo is a synonym for stupid. You would impress me more if you just said what was on your mind. Most women would appreciate this...trust me. Just like your time is valuable, so is ours. Cut to the chase and just say it. If its sex you want then say so. Most times that is probably all we want too (SURPRISE!). If you want us as a fall back, well tell us. Either we will be cool with it or we will tell you to find someone else. If you are unsure, let us know. At least we wont be confused. If you arent really interested anymore, just say so! Most times we will either say alright or we will cry but either way we leave with our dignity and trust me when I say that is all that we truly want anyway. We are indeed the more resilient sex. I had a guy string me along and then say, well I didnt want to hurt you. Well as noble as that may sound to some, he actually came across like a punk ass bitch to me. I laughed at him, and at myself for being an enabler. He was rather confused and probably thought I was succumbing to a fit of delirium. I had to explain to the poor chap that I wasnt laughing to keep from crying but rather at that moment I was laughing at my momentary lapse in judgment. I had become infatuated with a biyatch. It wasnt the first time and sadly it wouldnt at that time be the last. I played this game dozens of times after that, but at this very moment I realise that in order for me to ever have a real adult relationship I need to be an adult. I need to be honest in my dealings and uphold that integrity that I claim to have. To stop enabling the stupidity and see past my immediate desires. Acknowledge the red flags as they are whipping in the winds of beware. More importantly I need to think more of myself. Compromise is necessary in any relationship but my integrity isnt a bargaining chip. Remember that will power I spoke about yesterday, well maybe it showed up in a way I wasnt expecting it to this morning? Maybe my Leviathan isnt WalMart but my own conscience? or maybe God just wanted me to write this as an addendum? Who knows but I do know that I have another resolution in 09 or rather a new life commandment, "Thou shalt not play the game."

Resolving to be Resolute

2008-12-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

For the last 5 years I have told myself that making New Years resolutions were a waste of time that I would no longer bother with; however as with all things in my life I have a hard time sticking to my guns. I think its in my nature to fight until I find myself out on the battlefield bleeding to death. A professor and deputy DA once told me, "Ms. Washington, you will be one hell of an attorney because you are like a doberman...when you hear the attack word you bite until someone has to kill you..." At first I took that as a compliment but in essence he was saying sometimes its okay to loose the battle if your aim is to win the war... but I digress...resolutions. Against all judgment and reason I am compiling a list of "resolutions" for 2009. Why? Im not sure. I think each year we aim to be "better" people but I am not aiming to be better...just aiming... so without further adieu, the hot nine in 09...

1. I would like to stop being so rigid and fixated. I am notorious for picking a path or method and holding on for dear life. Well I am kinda of tired of my predictable nature. I want to reclaim my whimsy. It has been surfacing slowly, but I have been fighting hard to suppress it, but for what. im not even going to give examples of how this might manifest...Im just going to let it flow as it will...

2. Write this damn book that I have been sitting on forever. I may never travel with my TV crush, Anthony Bourdain, but that doesnt mean that I cant hop a plane and see the world, and write about it myself. Besides ole Tony writes about food and culture. I want to write about the global culture of Love. Lets face it I only wanted to roll with Tony because I like his swag. I find him oddly irresistible.

3. Stop worrying about where the money is going to come from. I think I stop myself alot of times because I feel as if I am supposed to be doing something more fiscally responsible with my money, but I always wind up with a surplus. Most times I have 3-5 windfalls within a year...I am my only brick wall; im slowly tearing myself down.

4. Stop half assing my Portuguese and Spanish. The end game is a posado on the Northern Coast of Brasil in the next 5-10 years, where I can spend endless summers and winters. I would think that I would need to be fluent enough in Portuguese to broker that deal. And as for the Spanish...its just rusty. I need to rekindle that flame so that when I go Salsa dancing I can flirt shamelessly with the hot Cuban, Puerto Rican, and Dominican men.

- this list is getting harder to write because ultimately I just wanna do me and that is a crazy list not fit for public consumption...just playing, but it is hard-

5. I still wanna have that torrid and illicit affair with a jazz musician...preferably a pianist but I dont discriminate. I think this stems from the passion that most musicians have. I just want to sample a piece of that even if for a little while...no strings no commitment.

6. Give up my day job. This one probably wont fully manifest in 2009, but this is definitely the year that I would like to start making plans to throw up the deuces to someone else's time clock. I love the law, dont get me wrong but I dont love it enough to live it for an extended period of time. It is a good foundation for other thinking jobs, like writing or teaching a creative writing course, political theory course, or even a philosophy class, but it doesnt even begin to satisfy my deepest desires...with it I am left totally unsatisfied.

7. Resume my past life as a participant in the fine arts. I write, sing, dance, act, paint, and I have other talents that havent been nurtured in a minute. I want to make those a main priority in 2009. Sharing my talents makes me feel alive...and ultimately that is what I want to do...feel and be alive.

8. Tying into #6...I really want to teach people how to enjoy the fluidity and beauty in writing. Its probably the most cathartic thing there is, besides crying, and dancing. I am not certified to teach anybody how to write as of yet so more than likely I will be enrolling in some graduate program in English in the Fall. I have this theory on writing and how to be a good writer...simply throw out all the rules and just write what feels good. My new motto is if it doesnt feel right then its probably all wrong"... but I still maintain "Everything in its own time, everything in its right place."

9. and finally, give up facebook... this shit is no good for you. Its like that greasy hamburger you crave with bacon and American cheese...the beef comes from a nasty contaminated death trap, pork is a silent killer, and American cheese is softened plastic... why would you want something like that? Why do we find ourselves craving facebook? hmmm? I figured if I could kick my Myspace addiction then I can also walk away from facebook... I will be emailing and calling folks from here on out. Facebook is just a way to keep up with what folks are doing 24/7...that is some crazy stuff if you think about it...

ohhhh...how could I forget

9.5. I am officially cutting ties with Walmart. I HATE that damn store with a passion uncontested. I spent a few minutes in a health food store last week and I felt at home. And I LIVE for farmer's markets...and as Walmart goes so does the fast food restaurants. We laugh at tree hugging hippy types but they always seem so alive and full of passion...in tune with the world around them...I want that...and my jazz pianist!

Here's to having passionate Cuban Jazz Pianists who are world-traveling uninhibited, life loving, health food fans in 2009!...or whatever it is you might be craving in the new year :0p

~B.

To Love...

2008-12-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

The Apostle Paul, a favorite thinker and truth-seeker of mine wrote in his famous letter to the Church in Corinth:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." (1 Cor. 13:4–7, NIV)

I have been thinking alot about Love lately. Being one who has never been in love with anyone but herself and God, I started to imagine what being in love with another person would feel like. I love my family and friends and would give freely of myself for them but there is almost this sense of obligation; that should I not act selfless towards them I would be condemned for failing at my brotherly duty (of which Paul speaks freely as well). But the unconscious act of loving another human being spurred on by biomechanics is something that makes me question whether Paul's words apply to the love between a man and woman. I have talked to friends who have found themselves in love and they all proclaim the same thing: "the day you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what is in both your best interests ( sometimes putting his before yours) is the moment that you know you are in love. They claim that you become more tolerant and selfless..you simply want to see him happy. My male friend say the same, with a little twist...when you can see her in everything that you do and you can no longer imagine life before her, then you know its a wrap. I watched my cousin marry her boyfriend of many years the summer before last, and to see a grown man break down in tears as his wife (my best friend) walked down the aisle made me realise that maybe Paul was on to something. I knew he wasnt crying because of her stunning beauty ( she was indeed a magnificent vision to behold) nor was he crying because of the butterflies in his stomach; he was crying because he knew from that moment on it wasnt just about him...he had become a we. He had found that other half of himself that he knew he would give his life for. I find that to be extremely beautiful, although we taunted him later about his "emotional collapse". I can only imagine that Jesus cries like that when someone accepts Him into their life, or God weeps uncontrollably when someone seeks It first turning away from self and joining the larger oneness among us. To accept a higher power, to accept a Christ is to me a very selfless act...a sacrifice, albeit small in comparison to what God did for us. I thought about this some more at 12 midnight this morning as I brought in Christmas praying. I thought about the gravity, the Love that Jesus' birth welcomed into this unloving world. I was overwhelmed with emotion, and prayed that God would one day open my heart wide enough to allow me to dig thru the scar tissue and vacant matter so that I might find my selfless spirit, which would allow me to fall in love with another human being...to allow me to put some other beautifully flawed being before myself...to Love someone like Jesus loved mankind. I know that is a tall order but I guess its something that we all should want to do at some point in our lives. I watched "Seven Pounds" last weekend, and I wont be a spoiler, but the act of Love that the main character (played by Will Smith) "committed" made me want more than ever to embrace the act of being selfless...truly altruistic. I think back on all of my past relationships with those of the stronger (but slower) sex and I cant pinpoint one moment where I feel like he deserved my love. They werent bad men, I just wasnt in love...I wasnt willing to put him first. The thought of the slightest prolonged discomfort made me back away... In 29 years its almost sad to admit that there hasnt been a love of my life, but in some instances it is brave and noble to be honest about it. I have a TRUE respect for the sanctity of Love. I have been in the hellacious throws of like, as a matter of fact I am there now, but love is something different...very different. Im not one of those women who long to be in love, no. Hell I dont even like being attracted to someone for the simple reason that emotions complicate what for me is an otherwise simple life, but for Love...real love like Paul spoke of I would throw caution to the wind at jump head first off that cliff. To know someone is on the otherside waiting to catch you is an immensely humbling feeling. I know what its like to feel this because my relationship with my God is that powerful but I would like to know that there is another human being out there who is willing to strive to love me like God loves me...that is beautiful. I would abandon simplicity to explore those deeper emotions for him, for us. I would take a risk and trust even when trusting seems like the ultimate offering. I would work hard to see that we were happy. Me being happy is easy but when happiness is no longer just about you, you have to work at it. I havent been in search for that love...I would like to think that the God who loves me understands that Love such as this is also meant to be shared and It will make a way for me. So for 2009 I will be digging in the neither regions of my soul, deep in my heart to uncover that selfless, daring, loving L. Simone in hopes that she does indeed exist. I will strive to love as God so loved the world...selflessly and whole... not just between me and a man (although I would suppose that I am long overdue for that but everything in its own time, everything in its right place) but between me and the world that I live in...I am striving for that oneness... This life is too short and our existence is too fragile for us to continue on this vicious cycle of selfishness and ego feeding lust and greed. I think that its high time for a change, and as with all changes I shall start with myself first...

I leave you with words from John, another truth-seeker and Love enthusiast:

"Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:7–8, NIV)

To Love in 2009~

Sarava!
~L.

My Christmas List

2008-12-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

I am a staunch believer in the mantra "A girl can dream cant she"...so this is my dream list. Virginia if there were a Santa (and I could for once in my life be nice) he would bring me the following:

1. A house in Midtown Mobile. It needn't be anything extravagant, just quaint and true to the original architecture in the area. I prefer a full front and back porch. A wrap around porch in a corner lot would be divine, but an affordable price would be better.

2. The new Macbook. My Macbook isnt that old but the new ones are pretty friggin nice.

3. Some diamond inside out hoops. This has been a staple on my list for a few years now. I bought some with Swarovski crystals set in platinum but nothing shines quite like a real diamond does.

4. A month full expenses paid all inclusive trip to Salvador, Bahia, Brasil. This has always been my dream trip and while it would be nice to share the trip with a good friend or two I would actually prefer to go alone.

- the list ceases to be extravagant from this point on because, well...I am not that difficult simply because I own a lot of stuff (stuff can be quite tiring, you know) and dont desire things much anymore-

5. Tickets to see Amel Larrieux in concert again. Amel is one helluva performer who truly loves what she does. It is evident from her stage presence that God works through this woman.

6. A bouquet of purple Peonies. The florist downstairs from my secondary office had a shipment of the most beautiful purple Peonies. The sight of them made me very happy... happier than I have been all winter long. To have about a dozen or so would probably be the best thing ever!

7. The perfect shade of blood red lipstick. I know that this sounds really odd but with my skin tone, finding a suitable rich red shade is like finding a neddle in a haystack. And I want it to be a rich matte blood vamp red...very hard to come by these days since everyone is wearing pale glosses (which I HATE!)

8. A cashmere wrap. I love scarves and wraps and who doesnt love cashmere...i would think that a pretty taupe would go with everything..well almost.

9. A hardback copy of Diana Evan's "26A". I dont know what it is about that book but it made me cry a solid week after I had finished reading it. Something about it wrapped a magical spell around me and it hasnt let go of me yet...

10. and finally LOVE...que coisa mais bonita?

At the End of Another Decade

2008-12-01T09:47:00.000-08:00

As my 29th Bornday fastly approaches I am forced to resolve any old issues that plagued my twenties. I am also forced to let go of somethings (people, places, and ghosts or shells thereof) to make room for something bigger and possibly, hopefully better. My twenties have been terribly tumultuous and in someways like a birthing process, granted I have never given birth thru my tangible body as of yet (another thing that I would like to resolve as I enter my 30s). I think of all the things that I have carried that have left me heavy, stretched, and at times anemic, and now that we are giving one another room to grow and be I am finally looking at it for the first time with very different eyes, much the same way a new mother looks at her new child. I know that things must change for that is the way of life. We, you and I, cannot stop change. We can resist it but what good would that do us? I have acknowledge that for me this change is occurring whether I want it to or not and being ever the knowledge seeker, scouting out the unknown, I am walking into this with my eyes wide open. What must change you might ask? Well for one, I have been walking around unable to cut the ties that hold me captive to my juvienile state. I see in my actions some eerily familiar to those of a 18 year old me. I know that I cant be nor should I want to be my 18 year old self, naive and limited in my sight. My 29 year old self should be striving to embrace the wisdom that I pray my 40 year old self will have. The say that Capricorn women get better with time, maturing like a fine Romanée Conti, rich and full bodied. I would rather be that than the grape juice, syrupy sweet, that I once was. I am learning to cultivate that which is really me and not the me that I thought I should be as well. I am also questioning my place in this world as a feminine force. This is terribly difficult in a masculine dominated society, but necessary. I appreciate this body that is female in form and the spirit that is inhabits it that is neither female nor male...it is what makes me seek out a male physical form to be complete...replicate on the outside what is already on the inside, oneness. That brings me to another thing I have chosen to embrace and that is my sexuality. In a world where the female body is "owned" and abused, and her sexuality caged like a dog, shamed into submission, I dare to take mine back. There is no illicit meaning or actions behind this. I have and always will believe that your body shouldnt be parceled out like raffle tickets. I simply chose to act with intent and sincerity should I decide to act at all...and lose the shame. At this stage in the game one should know what it is she desires in all walks of life, sex included. Keeping things in perspective, I also chose to truly love. Not just in an eros way (which terrifies me yet still) but also in an phileo way too. I can only strive for the agape love but being that I am beautifully flawed, such is only an aspiration. Too often we say we love but again lack the true intent and sincerity to really love anyone or anything but ourselves...and yet still, I cant say that we truly love ourselves either. I want to show my affection towards those around me and not demand it, place a price on it, or buy it. I should be free to tell someone what I feel, what is truly residing withing my heart...Hallmark shouldnt and couldnt possibly do it for me, and I shouldnt have to speak in riddle or rhyme to tell you how I feel about you and the energy that you pour forth. I want to be more appreciative of the physical world around me...is there anything more beautiful than this wonder that God has placed before us? Think about it, the Earth is like an offering of Its love...laid out bare. I no longer wish to take part in this drugging, raping, and pimping of this most glorious gift that has been offered to us. Who am I to take, steal, and plunder, when its here for me if I ask and reciprocate? I guess in my twenties I was feeling out systems and moraes, deciding what was right and what was wrong, and now its time to draw some conclusions for some and open my mind to things that I havent even begun to embrace...

Mystic

2008-11-30T12:22:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading Alice Walker's "We are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For" and thru her self reflective thoughts I have been forced to look at my own with a deep intensity (but Sister Walker always does this to me. It would be my greatest pleasure to sit at her feet and have an early morning chat over Spiced Peppermint Tea). In what do I believe? Do I believe? I would say yes but that would be a lie...I almost believe in a lot of things but not totally in almost anything, God being the lone exception to all of this, but I cant say that I envision God in "His" most fallible form, The Father. It appears to me in many forms, sexes, shapes, creatures, races, etc., not confined to one singular nature. I think man is foolish and rude to believe that the statement "I made you in my image" meant physical image. God is much too creative for such limitation. I also believe that we are forever connected to the Earth. Though we travel from her and above her, she is in us. To that end that is why I believe that many children, myself included, engage in the delicious devouring of dirt. It is only when we are older that getting dirty and absorbing dirt is such a sin. I often think about what I further believe if I hadnt been socialized to accept what has been deemed normal. Would I buy the notion of gravity if I didnt believe in it? Could I then will myself to float thru the heavens? This would place me no closer to God because truth believe It has no Heaven outside of the soul. It resides in us. It doesnt make grand appearances in church when invited in, nor does It surface as a vague image on a tree, neither is it welcomed in our body when we are dipped in water (that is symbolic of washing away the false in accepting what is truth. We should sprinkle kids heads or dip ourselves in; I think we should be washed by willing strangers in the rivers and oceans, focusing on both the humanity and divinity that makes us who we are)...It has been there all along; we have been too blind and selfish to acknowledge It. My decision to refer to God as It was a conscious one born of a subconscious need to disconnect with limitations; much the same way my desire to acknowledge the mysticism in all of us is born of a discontent with the way things presently exist. At some point existing is not enough...we are the couch potatoes of the universe. I think and yes therefore I exist but I too feel, desire, and seek therefore I live. I think had Descartes finished his thought he would have come to this Divine conclusion. Cogito ergo Sum is a totally incomplete statement left open for you to lazily accept or bravely expand upon. And maybe the second I isnt man but the Great I AM, giving reverence to Its incontrovertible presence in our souls. Do I believe this? Maybe I do. I believe that music is God's way of getting in our heads but sadly we have sold our souls and melody to our evil fancies of being of our own creation. Yes I do believe this without a doubt. When is sex relegated to an act of power and domination via a lyric and internalized as the truth, is there really any hope for mankind for real. Children are conceived in lies and falsehoods, tainted by our stupidity. May be Alice was right...we do need a moratorium on births? As badly as I may want an image of the love I have for my mate I must be certain that we are spiritually right and bring a child in this world for the right reasons able to make it a more universal responsible soul, not a socially or politically correct soul.I mean that not in a religious context but more so in a context that is hard to quantify and qualify, which is beauty in and of itself. I think then and only then will God be pleased, and the child (yet in the physical) be whole. Do I believe that death does not equate to stopping? Yes and no. We go on but maybe the foolishness passes away we have no alibi or distraction to cover up the truth that is us...because ultimately there is only an us and a we. No you and no I. Until we see this we are souls starving for the dirt that we in our physical forms shun as nasty. I am listening to Kanye's "Streetlights" and it has become evident that this Kanye is smarter than "college Drop Out" Kanye. He has allow himself to become bigger than his body, and thus the God that is in him is bigger than his ego (surprise!) Will his record sell? Probably not for real; 50 could probably take him in sales but not in content. Maybe we should all strive to embrace our pain and turn it into magic like Kanye. Talent manifesting is God being acknowledged, and sometimes It shows up in a book like Alice, a song like Kanye, a melody like jazz musicians, a stream of thought like this one...me...I...It.

Holiday Blues and Epiphanies

2008-11-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

So anyone who truly knows me and my deep dark nature knows that I loathe the holiday season. I often compare my dislike of the season to that of Suess' Grinch...I keep thinking of that classic line "All the noise, noise, NOISE!" One would suppose that being eldest of six kids in a rambuncous household would make me immune to this kind of intolerance by alas I am not. While I would like to think that my comparison to the Grinch stops there, I must admit that somewhere around Nov 20th of each year my heart shrivels to the size of a pea and all the joy that once had a possibility of dancing in my eye fades. I can say with certainty when I started to dislike the holidays but I think it started as a child, around 10 maybe, and it was for shallow reasons. I never liked a damn thing Santa bought me. You would think that my parents had a clue but here I stand 29 years into my life and neither of them really truly know me. Take for instance the telephone conversation I had with my mom yesterday:

Mom: So what are you cooking
Me: (laughing) I beg your pardon

(silence ensues)

Me: I guess mac and cheese (still laughing but with uneasiness)
Mom: Great! When you go to the store get some cornbread mix and chicken broth
Me: (under my breath) Store? What the Fuck?
umm okay ma...sure

CLOSE SCENE

In all the years that I have been able to cook, I have always stated my peace...cooking is something I can do but chose not to. Needless to say I was the one dodge snot nosed kids and fighting frantic last minute moms for the last vile of nutmeg (the most sacred of holiday spices)at the worst place on Earth, Wal-Mart. The misinterpretation of L doesnt stop there...no. There were the hideous outfits, and cheap shoes, ill fitting old lady pajamas, a girdle, and pots and pans for my new apartment that I received as Christmas gifts at various time, and YES I know its supposedly the thought that counts, but the thoughts were so ill that last year I finally told them to stop thinking. It wouldnt have been so bad but this has happened for the last 19 years...years where I put serious thought into my gift, only having failed one year (I still hear about that bum year). But its not just the gifts and forced domestic merriment, it also the disagreements and fights. Im not a nice person. I own up to that, but during the holiday season I am supposed to become all smurfy and jolly, laughing at things that arent funny, smiling when I am really cringing on the inside, and eating heavy food that makes me tired and even less tolerant. I just dont understand.
So this year is a little different. I am not buying a single gift for anyone, except the name I pulled at work because my ED MADE me (even then I thought about asking the person who pulled my name to give it to me and take the name I pulled...lets face it I dont really know those folks).Today I sat in my room reading a book and listening to music until I was forced to come out to make the mac and cheese, which by the way wasnt made by me in the end. My mom and I disagreed over whether the noodles were cooked (I dont do aldente for mac and cheese...who in the hell likes chewy mac and cheese) and she ended up making it. Mac and cheese is usually the first thing to go...there is a refrigerator full of it this year. After she took over I returned to my book until forced to come out again to say what I was thankful for. I lied my usual lie "Im thankful for this moment." Truth is I was thankful that I had gone to Books A Million the night before and had something to read away the day and even more thankful for my Ipod Touch that drowned out the sounds of hoilday induced nonsense, but could I say that outloud...nope, so I lied. I ate a sparse dinner of turkey, greens, and okra and returned to my room to finish my book in peace.
Trust me my behavior sounds worse than it is. Im trying to fortify myself for Christmas, the most disappointing time of the year. Disappointing? Yes, most definitely, and not because selfish shallow reasons...I'm over that. I dislike it because of the banality of it all. Christmas should officially be renamed Xmas because Christ got up out the holiday maneger a while ago and was replaced with an ugly ass Bratz doll. There is no warmth to be felt except that from the false heat produced by Christmas tree lights and car heaters that blow dry hot air on pretentious last minute shoppers who's skin is cracking and breaking just like their wallets. So to compensate for what is missing we force all this "joy". If i didnt like you on July 14th, then guess what, some fabricated holiday spirit is not going to change things Dec 25th or Novemeber whatever. For me its just another day, except its plagued by pretend and make believe.
I suppose you think that I will be visited by three ghosts and forced to change my ways or have a change of heart and save Whoville, but those storylines arent true. Scrooge changed his ways for a few weeks and went back to being an asshole when he saw how much this was costing him and the Grinch got shunned from Whoville because he was ugly as hell...as a result,he lost it and torched the village and hung Cindy Lou's head from a stake at the village gates. Grotesque...yep but sometimes its the shock value that counts.
Let me set one thing straight before I close this blog, I dont hate giving gifts,love, joy, celebrating Christ, or seeing people happy even if for a moment, but I do dislike what has become of the holiday season as a whole. I reason one day I will have kids and reconsider this notion, deriving a need to perpetuate this false sense of joy for my kids' sake, but I would hope that I would be strong enough to limit the holiday consumption and truly celebrate the season for what it really is. I'm not a bad person, just one that just figured out why she dislikes the holidays...and my friends, it is for just cause.

To Carry the Cross and Die for the Cause...

2008-11-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

"No man dies for what he knows to be true.
Men die for what they want to be true,
for what some terror in their hearts
tells them is not true."
-Oscar Wilde

Tonight I received the troubling news that a colleague and friend had died this weekend. While I was celebrating the start of new lives together and holding hope in the form of smiling babies, this man's hope had all about disappeared in the course of three long years. While riding in the car with my mom I expressed my angst, feeling both sadness and anger all intertwined. You see Jim had spent three of what should have been some of the most calm and pleasurable years of his retired life fighting against forces, systems, and mindsets...including that of his own. He and his wife lost their home to Katrina, and while they were apart of the lucky few who's insurance company paid up, they picked up the cross of conviction. While we never met eye to eye on what Katrina relief efforts for coastal Alabama should look like, I admired and respected Jim's decision to fight the way that he saw fit. I respected the chasm that stood between us...I had lost nothing to Katrina and he had lost everything. A difference in sight may have lessened each of our impacts, unwilling to see the others point of view, but I knew when to step back let the fervor of experience take the lead. I unlike Jim was not willing to be a martyr. I couldnt take up this cross and I wasnt willing to die fighting for this cause. Sometimes I feel rather cowardly or craven when I wave my hands in what seems like defeat. I think its because people feel I have given up on them, but I know me, and sometimes I have to break rank and follow my own path...and its usually when I see that we are fighting a battle too hard and not necessarily smart. I rather be the scout at this juncture rather than a sentinel. Jim was a full fledged sentinel. When he caught the shingles last summer I warned him that he was carrying a cross that God hadnt intended for him to bear but in hindsight I know that maybe he was indeed meant to carry it. Like most martyrs, he was misunderstood, and most times marked as crazy....I too spit that him at times. I think that maybe he knew that he wouldnt live to see the people of coastal Alabama recover to full scale but he also knew that he was meant to fight anyhow. Some people are meant to sacrifice, while others are meant to walk on the shoulders of that sacrifice. I look at my friends and colleague who do God's work to help rebuild the coast and I applaud their efforts. In some ways they are all martyrs, deeply committed to what they believe in. I stand in awe and in envy of their passion. They can see what I in my limited vision cannot see. Maybe their hearts have landed in a place that suits them. Maybe they have prayed in their gardens of Gethsemane, and I am yet stumbling towards that painful ecstasy...destined to be like Paul, for without Jesus' death he would have no word on which to stand...I may never fully understand why Jim and all the other Gulf Coast Advocates endure this fight, which may never manifest in anything other than a lesson learned, but I dare not condemn their actions. Like Simon of Cyrene, I am simply made to at some point help carry the cross, never to carry it all the way thru...

May Heaven have mercy on the transient soul I knew as Jim Fuller...may his fight not have been in vain.

Shattering...

2008-10-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

"Each Day, I pray
that today wont feel like
yesterday but stays this way
today and everyday, I pray that today
will feel a different way,
but it stays
the same..."
"Weight of the World" by Alana Davis

This morning is different. Its cold outside but the sun has never looked so bright. Onassis isnt losing his mind...and neither am I for that matter. I lay on my back looking at the ceiling, seeing right through it. Making eye contact with God, occasionally spying the angels that dance on the peripherals of my vision. The calm that hasnt been there is now suddenly there. I would attribute this shift to the weather but I am reluctant to be that naive. I dreamed about preparing for the cold weather...I spent most the dream picking out scarves, something that I have been wanting to do in my waking moments...I think that this is God's way of saying "go on and do it..make today different." The scarf that stood out the most was a flannel grey plaid. I really liked that scarf, simply because you dont see plaid much that often. So maybe today I will go in search of this plaid scarf? Not settling for anything other than what I truly want...that's all...

Notes on Being In Like

2008-10-26T19:24:00.001-07:00

I have never liked the idea of being in like with someone, or infatuated. This is such a schizophrenic pseudo-emotion. One day its hot and you are giddy with anticipation and the next you are ready to be celibate for the rest of your life. No my friends, I have NEVER like this emotion. Yeah sure on good days I smile and talk about the now (or then) object of my immediate adoration...how great he is, how smart he is, how wonderful it will be once things are cemented, but with all things cement, it gets heavy and weigh down...prone to cracks and if not laid right bumpy and ugly. I can say that ALL of my likes have gone this route, even when I try to act right and be nice. I mean by the time I stop fighting the feeling, I have already made the guy think that I am this mean cold sub humanoid female form. I guess its a defense mechanism that has evolved after years of being like with many a man but more so jacks of asses. What about love you ask? It never got there...none of them. Again by the time I decided to call of the guard dogs most of them were too shell shocked or mauled to even care. Then there are those who fought fire with fire and we both walked away frustrated, not even acknowledging one another when our paths crossed in public, casualties of our own malicious antics. I will own up to my faults. Usually if i find myself in this hellhole of like I get downright evil and defensive. Getting me to laugh or smile or even be nice is akin to getting a chocolate stain out of white silk. Some have succeeded but the smiles and laughter were fleeting. Its not intentional its just that vulnerability (outside of writing) have never been my strong suit. I dislike the feeling of a broken heart, and for a person who holds grudges a broken heart is like Chinese water torture....I chose not to risk it until I feel that it is safe to make such a calculated move....by then it usually too late. I feel sorry for the poor guy who finds himself in like with me. While I am dragging his poor feelings around, leaving him confused, I am deep down on the inside wishing that I could find the nerve to just fall in and let this guy like me and let myself like him back. I feel like that Sting song "Fortress Around Your Heart"...

"And if I've built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire"

...except, I've built my own fortress and no man thus far has been able to fill the chasm and care not to build the bridge or set the battlements on fire. Maybe my fortress is too formidable? Maybe I have yet to find a want to be rescued? If so then why do inevitably find myself in like with poor unsuspecting men who naively like me back? I keep hoping that one day there will come a man who will not bow down from the challenge...that my insults wont deter him or my unwillingness to smile or freely give in wont kill his tenacity; that in fact he will try his damnest to see past the obstacles of being in like and see that I am just a person afraid of vulnerability. I can only imagine that there are others like me in a similar vicious cycle...hurting people and turning them off along the way. And why cant we alter our behavior? We try, oh God do we try but risk takers are usually born, not made. It usually takes someone meeting us halfway...but I am wondering off subject (so easy to do on a topic I loathe). I simply hate being in like and can only imagine that being in love will be equally as uncomfortable, but I find myself willing to try...but first things first, I must learn to survive this like, or rather stop fighting the men who find themselves in like with me...Its going to be a long hard road, I know, and change isnt easy, but I am willing to take the dive with my eyes wide shut!

Thus Starts Another Fall

2008-10-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Every year around bout this time, I start to reflect on what has transpired during the year. I also use it as time to gauge where I am in comparison to where I was. I find myself spending unusual amounts of time outside watching the sky and paying attention to the little things...I guess in an attempt to keep myself grounded. It always helps to remember you arent that big or important in the grand scheme of things. I also start to play that cliched game of "next year". You know "next year this time I will be...yadda yadda yadda"...knowing good and well you cant predict the future or tempt the hands of fate, but I try anyway. Its a marker that despite the steely exterior, hope still lives here. I pull out the John Mayer and Amel Larrieux CDs; they usual spark some strange kind of inspiration that propels me to think...to transcend the day to day and pay attention to the otherworldly that goes on around me. While everyone else seems to be rushed in preparation for the holiday season, I turn a blind eye to that mess and slow down. This year I decided that I wouldn't succumb to the holiday machine..there will be no Christmas gifts or hurried decorations...no I would just give what I find hard to give during the year, my love and undivided attention. Maybe sit down and have a long talk with the parents and a good laugh with the sibs, return some long overdue phone calls where I offer an ear...no talk about me; I want to hear about you. For Thanksgiving maybe I will collect some leaves to put in my journal and vow to turn off the electronic leashes that hold me captive, and umm no that doesnt include my ipod (I will lose it without my music). Give thanks that this sideshow of an election season is over. As much as I proud of the fact that Barack is truly representing, I am now officially over the whole running for office thing. There is something about the level of control that is present in holding office...you are too beholden to others, and I am all about being free. Maybe I will fast for a week or two...go outside and lay on the ground to find my centre...something I havent done since high school. Put my ear to the ground and listen to the Earth rotate in spite of it all. Get some bentonite clay and detox my hair so that I can wear it natural...give the flat irons a rest. I am seriously thinking about giving the farm animals a rest...my body needs it and though my freeing one cow may not be significant, I am doing my part to be a cooperative player in the natural order of things. Paint my bedroom that shimmery pewter color I have been eyeing and buy myself a big pretty bed...you should smile when you sleep. So where am I in comparison to Oct 26 2007? Im all about being truer to self. I am starting to understand the true value of my integrity and how if I fail to uphold it, it creates a nasty little ripple effect of discontent and ill feelings. Im still single but that isnt a bad thing. I havent quite been able to disassociate vulnerability with weakness just yet or being in love with loss of freedom...so until then I know its not time. When that guy comes along that makes me laugh and forget about it all then I will know its time...so far I am laughing but by my own causing. I am still steering my career sans power steering so its been a struggle. I am more determined than ever to be serious about my legal career, cutting the bullshit and extra randomness, and yes that includes some people places and things. I cant be everywhere for everyone and now I am no longer trying to be. I see a need to refocus on what I know will get me to where I ultimately want to be, and that includes making time to write (one day I will crank out that book until then I will just blog relentlessly like before). I have also made a serious commitment to be positive even when I feel like flipping the middle on the left hand and throwing the deuces on the right. I figured who am I to be angry with people for just being people? I dont have that right to judge so I am going to try my damnest to only speak what is absolutely necessary and beneficial. That may result in even more silence but silence truly is golden (peep the previous entry). I guess like the dead leaves that fall from the trees that render them bare, I too wish to be bare shedding what has had its season...here's to the fall and the forthcoming winter...

Favete Linguis!

2008-10-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am a listener by birth...silence is a given for me. I think my silence started from a fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or even worse, the right thing at the right time...so I have trained myself to be silent. It may come across as disinterest, being aloof, or boredom but it actually active listening; giving reverence to the words and the speaker. If you were to hold an hour long conversation with another person, and let me listen, I could in fact regurgitate what was said verbatim, complete with expressions and body language. I believe that the best way to honor a person is with your silence, but again it is deeply misunderstood when I do. I figure a person is turned off by my silence for selfish reasons. Either the want my reaction as a means to bolster their egos or reasoning, co-sign if you will, or they realise what they said is a a waste of breath or worse, just stupid, and my silence cosigns on that fact. While this may be true, my silence most times isnt meant to be malicious, its just me processing what you said and giving honor to the words; however, dont get it twisted, if its stupid, its stupid and trust that you would rather I didnt say anything. I feel no need to delinate between the instances of silence simply because either way my silence is a benefit. In time of intimacy I really think that silence is golden...noise is just that noise. You miss the important things like listening to breathing and a heart beat or better yet the nonverbal communication. Sometimes its whats not said that speaks volumes. Think about it, we have been programmed to be such great liars but where we fail is in the silent moments...your body takes over where your mouth malfunctions. I can always tell when a person is lying simply by being silent for a moment and just listening to spaces in bewteen and watching their bodies...if I were talking I would surely miss this. I see silence as a way to communicate with the universe...get the real of the matter. Silence is a definite ritual of mine...sorely misunderstood and sometimes hated but its mine...someone may steal your words but they cant have your silence. As a kid there was a very popular Depeche Mode tune "Enjoy the Silence", and the opening line spoke volumes "Words like violence break the silence..." and if you think about it...that is so very true. In the wee hours of the morning when I like to wander around the house like a restless apparition, when all the world is silent I promise its like heaven on earth...simply serene, but at about 5am, the news comes on and people wake and you hear cars ripping and running thre street, destroying the Eden that had been there only moments before. And silence is hard for most people. I think that they are afraid that they will come face to face with all of the lies and hurtful things that they have vomitted. You want to lock out what is instead of confronting it...that is why TV's stay on all day and people talk incessantly, thinking that they are proing or defending a point but really are just blowing hot air...we drown out what we dont want to face even if it means we cover it up with noise. I cant speak for everyone but I have a tipping point. At some point I have to shut out the world and become fully aware of the space around me. Give reverence to the act of living...truly living. My soul screams "Favete Linguis", much the same way I tell my mouth the same...I simply chose to be, to listen.

Its Been a Long Time

2008-10-23T09:26:00.001-07:00

'Do you still blog?', that was the question that made me sit at my desk for an hour yesterday and think about why the words had stopped coming. I used to be an avid blogger and journal writer, but within the last few months it all just kinda dried up or rather blocked. I dont know where the words went or why they arent pouring forth. Maybe I had left them in Montgomery with my bitterness? Or maybe I had left them with the Birmingham baggage that I vowed to stop carrying around? Possibly they were still apart of the universal quest for the truth... I figured that truth although universal is somehow subjective; so why keep looking for something that mutates and shape-shifts with the passing of each moment? Had I really misplaced my passion or is it disguised in well written responsive pleadings and memorandum of law? Or was I being selfish and hoarding those divinely placed treasures? hmmm... Come to think of it, I had stopped expressing myself in all creative ways...I stopped dancing, I stopped writing, and rarely engaged in any kind of conversation in which my opinion was put in the spotlight, and I havent picked up my oil pastels in years...that should have been a big red flag that this famine was looming. Sure every now and then there would be these flashes of divine intervention; God's way of reminding me that my creative acumen is a gift that was meant to be shared, and that I was failing Him/Her if I continued to hold it all in. I mean its there, buried deep behind something, or somethings... I am really afraid that the worst has happened...I have gotten so comfortable living in my head that I dont see the need to write it out or dance it out or even speak aloud my thoughts. I just think and make faces... grimacing faces that seem to disturb people. Faces that have started to disturb me....those faces are always a gauge of what's to come if I dont find a release or some level of balance. I had started to lack substance...my words were my substance. My creative force fed my soul...it was now starving, and so was I...so am I. I had charged my lack of substance to the game of life...I work, sometimes too hard, but even in those quiet moments when all the world is sleep, those moments where i would lay bare before my God and let divinity pour forth, I now sat in front of a TV wishing to kill my words and tune God out....why? That is a answer for another blog. All I know is that I had purposely turned off the faucet, shut down the lifeline....but its been a long time, and I cant remember the exact quote, but it was something like if you don't release what it is inside of you it will ultimately consume you. I dont think that I can fathom another sleepless night or another day of being ill at ease...I need to feed my soul, and I need to step outside my head again... i no longer wish to wrestle with the angel....its a losing battle. I simply wish to share myself through words again, and maybe I will start to dance and paint again...who knows? i figured for now just turn the faucet back on, clear out the rust and sediment, and let divine clarity pour forth. What it will look like, tatse, like and feel like is unknown at the moment...if it is anything like the last time it should be something beautiful and satisfying.... All I can say with certainty is that for me it has been a long time...a really long time